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The white shadow lurking behind the spectrum of light gave a miniscule glimpse. Since time immemorial, we have played trivial games as I searched for its essence. Often, it deviated from its place to hide or to smile. And I, like a little mermaid, tried clenching it in my fist, admonishing it for unleashing the child within.

Living

How do you satiate hungry eyes searching to quench a thirst?

How does one fill a void when one does not know what is needed for its redemption?

Such is life that it necessitates the delving into an escape route - to mingle into mindless relations derived out of so-called friendships or love, to drift into the unrealistic madness of cinema or devour the coming to life of words in books.

Reading, yes, I'll admit it - I miss you. Let me confess today how I went wanton by turning to the internet single-mindedly thinking that it would make up for my erstwhile fixation of holding an actual book running into pages in my clasp. I haven’t returned to embrace you properly in many-a-years now. Would that explain my tossing restlessly in bed some days?

Should I blame the gradually reclining attention span or the steadily ebbing drama in my own life? A one page blog post reading of someone I admire, has been serving as a capsule perhaps to screen the symptoms although it provides no cure. Or the witty one-liners on twitter that impress me to no end perhaps ignite enough to ignore the larger picture! It gives me the hallucination of having “read”. Reading thus now doles out to fill some empty specks of my mind with a momentary realisation of having traveled to some far-off domain, lived a reckless or meticulous life and sauntered back to my reality.

Reading is still serving me although I look not at it with the same eye.

I get magnetically pulled to any iota I see of the Victorian Ages or Romanticism symbolized by those peacefully resting in their graves now - any contemporary voices strong enough to stand at par with the Byrons, Wordsworths and Keats. Imagine the exquisiteness of ageless expressions wandering lonely as a cloud or walking in beauty..

For such was the web they spun that getting entangled was the mind’s way of showing what a true orgasm is to the rest of the body. Such were the unadulterated emotions and expressions, as though the writers stood blind to all voices around and were enslaved to the voices in their heads.

Picking up classics or true Literature can at times have a therapeutic effect (just as much as a regular pacey best-seller). You walk down the wondering lane - what constitutes such a frame that manages to give you lines holding the grain of the ultimate truth, hand-picked from a solitary life but withstanding the test of times to reach the eternity? What immortal fountains they create and how? What triggers the unstoppable breeze that cools even the most burning of surfaces with their tender flap? Goes to prove that you can often create magic without movement or sound - magic by the gentle tap of your fingers and mind!

I read and I lived..in the days gone by when I would curl up on a sofa in a corner with a book. An illicit relation perhaps for how much I didn't give a damn how anyone looked at us - my transfixed gaze, my coy smiles, the scrunching of anxious eyes - me and my book, palming each other, and then looking at the walls for a while, in reflection of letting sink in what the books showed me. I would move my body rarely and only when it fringed on getting numb while the mind traveled in frenzy and sometimes even that would be stationary, performing the arduous task of creating mind pictures for me - moving, pulsating images or just giving me the goose bumps with vividness painted there.

Did I become the protagonist in all I read? Yes, I experienced the greed for money, the lust for sex, the spine chilling edging in a mystery, the ache of soul for love, the crushing of entrails by a heartbreak, the malicious scheming for murder, the infinite search for truth. Did I come out unmarred from all I read? No, remnants of these got transfixed to me like second skin, shaping my mind, preferences and beliefs. They unwittingly went and formed a layer in my subconscious that made me think, opine and pine.

I carried the weight of whom I read for a while till fresh love began to reverberate within and another pristine crispness came between my nimble fingers, too eager to grasp the new.

Yes, Mark Twain, I agree with you when you say, "The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who can't read them."

But perhaps reading became too taxing for me - the way I wear my heart on my sleeves, I found it difficult to stop it from becoming a bookmark trapped permanently within some sheets of a book closed and done with. The pain of returning to a life less ordinary began to be weighed against the pleasure of dipping into ecstasy.

It's always sunny in Philadelphia!

Sorry for the random title, I just wanna be in Philly right now! I just really miss the USA..

Nevermind, will be back there soon enough. :)

2011, where do I start? Do I even want to start? Even thinking and recollecting what this year has been like seems like a chore to me and added to that is the fact that almost every blogger is doing a year end round-up post. But I did want to write this post ages back and since one of my new year plans (the word resolution totally puts me off. Hmph.) is to complete every task and idea that I have, here I am penning down this totally imperfect and incomplete list of highlights.

So many dreams trashed, some newly orchestrated, few turned out to be nightmares and well, a handful crystalized too, though I have yet to understand the complete picture of 2011, or better yet, I'll just leave it at that. Not all puzzles need be solved. All in all, this year gave me what I have been looking for, a space, a part of me that lives here on this blog so that it takes a better shape down the line.

2011, you are a blur to me. A whirlwind that tore through my life, scattering my carefully laid out plans, throwing away my ideas in every direction possible, trapping me in your angry arms and leaving me lost and confused.

Okay, it wasn't that bad.

I may not have blogged regularly; however yet, I have little details noted down in secret journals. I still have my memories. I am fond of memories, I keep them close, so close that even my breath feels like a stranger compared to the memories.

A few of the major highlights of the year was having both my favourite music acts perform in Singapore! Michael was bloody charming as usual and Westlife, well, the biggest loves of my life, were amazing.

But ah, 14 years at the top, and they're going out with a bang. They deserve this.

I met a whole bunch of people this year, and I'm very grateful to have them in my life. These people kept me going when I felt that all was lost, and kept pushing me when I wanted to throw in the towel and let the world defeat me. I think I'm pretty blessed. :)

Another highlight was meeting Joseph in America LOL. Ahh Joseph, how can I forget that pair of beautiful, deep set emerald green eyes and that cheeky smile of yours? Hahaha!

Lost my voice for the first time while I was in Los Angeles.. which totally sucked cos all the Americans were talking to me and I couldn't respond without getting frustrated when nothing came out. -_- But nonetheless I had a lot of fun there! Much needed vacation.

Anyhow..lost my camera pouch in San Francisco.. I'm pretty sure I dropped it in the hotel lobby while I was running out with Peter to catch the gay pride parade! Which means it's still somewhere in San Francisco right now.. wonder who found it. Goodness. Lost a few hundred dollars worth of memory sticks! Thank goodness we brought the netbook there..didn't lose all our photos. :)

God damn I'm rambling again. Ugh.

I'm just really glad that 2011's gonna be over in a couple of hours, it's been one hell of a ride and I'm hoping 2012 gets better! Unless we all die in December like Mayan calender predicted... Nah, not gonna die. The awesome one isn't gonna die while she's 21. Hell no.

I need to stop ramblingggg! Hahaha. Gonna usher in the new year with my family tonight! So, here's wishing everyone a blessed and happy 2012! May your year be filled with awesomeness and lotsa happy stuff! Xxx

Birthday!

It's 11.11.11 today and it's also my grandpa's birthday! :D

After one week of discussing, we've finally decided to take him to Prego at the Swissotel for some Italian food! He has no idea so it'll be nice seeing his reaction later haha.

Andddd I got Phillip to tweet him a happy birthday omg! Bloody awesome! I didn't even realise Phillip responded till I saw a happy birthday! Hahaha. Such a sweetheart as usual.

Okay the real reason why I'm blogging nonsense I'd because I've got a 3 hour break and I'm bored shitless now. If only Phillip were right next to me.. lol.

I hope I manage to make it back by 6 later.. our reservation's at 7..

Sigh ok this is getting retarded I'm gonna just end this post here.

And happy birthday ThaTha!!!

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPod touch]

Yay!

The 6 hr wait was totally worth it! :)

Reality hasn't sunk in yet, and I'm pretty sure I'm gonna start weeping later.. BUT HELL YES!

A dream come true! Last night was surreal. I couldn't actually believe the lads were before my very eyes, and Nicky grinned and did some x-men sign to me! Cute as hell!

Tonight's gonna be one of the best nights of my life. Gonna have a blast! Omgggg.

We, are the change.

(Dear lovelies, being the transcript of a presentation, this post is verbose and written in a different style)

Do you ever challenge a preconceived notion? Have you ever question an assumption? Do you ever confront your own belief system?

Right may not be right. A social norm may be misconstrued.

But it is okay to question and challenge. It is okay to change. And we can make a change. People like us changed the world and people like us are changing the world.

First let us take a look at science that works on hypothesis and proofs.

• Recently some scientists claimed that Neutrinos can travel faster than speed of light. Modern day theories of physics assume that no object can travel faster than light. Theories of modern physics are being challenged. Einstein's theory of relativity is being debated at this exact moment.

• Does the Earth rotate around the Sun or does the Sun rotate around the Earth? For a long time, churches and astronomers believed that the Earth was the center of our Universe and that the Sun rotated around the Earth. Copernicus and Galileo proved heliocentrism but neither the church nor the established astronomers accepted it. Galileo was under house arrest for a long time. Galileo and Copernicus challenged the churches and changed the theories.

• Before 1903, scientists were convinced that anything heavier than air could not fly. Just a week before the first flight at Kitty Hawk, a renowned scientist published an article PROVING that flying was IMPOSSIBLE. The Wright brothers’ invention was called a hoax even after the demonstration. But look at us now! Not only can we fly, we're also sending spaceships outside of the Earth’s environment! The science of flying has been changed forever. In 1961, less than 60 years into the first flight, USSR sent Yuri Gagarin, the first human, into space.

Secondly, consider political landscape which works on power.

• USSR was a massive and powerful country. It was hard to imagine the collapse of the world’s largest superpower. Moving from communism to democracy was not even a thought during the cold war.

• Egypt is another good example. 30 years of autocracy ended in less than 30 days, 18 to be precise! Egypt is now heading towards democracy and we may see the first election on Nov 28.

• At one point, the British Empire was so vast that the sun never set in it. But it changed. The British Empire had an army of 2 million men, tanks and arms but Gandhi’s non violence won.

Lastly, consider the social values.

• The British hung signs stating ‘Indians and Dogs not allowed’ at the clubs. Winston Churchill made derogatory remarks and called Gandhi, a half-naked fakir. But the British negotiated with this half-naked fakir. High caste Hindus like Nehru followed Gandhi when India was marred and fragmented by the caste system. Gandhi made remarkable attempts to integrate the Indian society to eliminate hollow caste system.

• And who can forget Martin Luther King Jr and his famous words ‘I have a dream’. His dream came true. It was only as late as 1964, that the Civil Right Act was passed and thus banning discrimination. America saw its first black governor in 1990 (Douglas Wilder - Governor of Virginia) and just 18 years later, the very first black President. President Obama.

Martin Luther King Jr, Gandhi, Copernicus and others were people like us. Like them, we can attempt to make a change. A change that would make our society better. A change that would make our world better

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What happened? Something did.

More of a statement than a question.

Things change.

And I've lost count.

So this is, let's say, the 'n'th time when things have changed.

And it makes me numb. Absolutely blank.

When there is no analysis, no inference and no conclusion. When all you know is that things have changed.

It's so bittersweet, I honestly cannot bring myself to smile. I cannot weep.

There is the obvious sinking feeling inside. And everything that farewell brings along with it.

And damn, it eats you.

Moreover the variables attached to the constants are already juggling and trying to seek logic in my head.

But I must say at the end of it..I'm happy. I'm happy for everything. I'm absolutely sad about nothing.

And that in itself makes me more happy.

Fiction #3

It has been raining relentlessly for the last four hours, raining like the skies ran out of storage space to accommodate more water. It was supposed to be mid June, summers reigning mercilessly over the plains. And yet it has been raining today.

Such change in weather has been seldom seen, especially over the last few years, when even the monsoons flew past the unnoticed, parched skies. The skies had been prejudiced against any color in sky that could bring the tiniest of hopes of quenching the land and its people below. Fluffy whites had lingered in desolation and dispersed for many months now.

Overwhelmed and overrun, the gates had broken, giving way to the pent up release. Almost sharp and hard hitting arrow like droplets had been incessantly showering in an attempt to sink deeper into earth’s skin.

She hadn't noticed him at all; along with the rest of the things, he had been sitting there for almost an hour as he watched her drawn away by the rain. She was the only person in his eyes all this time, he was so lost in her, oblivious to the world - just like her, only he was watching the lockes of her hair breaking and oscillating for a while before eventually breaking down into stillness, somewhere over her tender face.

His eyes moved with her curls just like her’s followed the droplets. He wasn’t in a very comfortable posture. Arms folded on the thin rim of the chair and the chin resting on his arms, he observed her inquisitively, never minding his tired arms which might have started to hurt because of the pressure of the narrow rim. Watching her at peace mysteriously brought a bright smile on his face of which, even he wasn’t aware of.

Rain on the window as sunshine is her face,

Her gleaming radiances such, am transfixed in my place,

The golden lockes sneak out, to glimpse her beauty,

As they gingerly swing, tending to her grace.

A break in the spell of the rains brought her out of her reverie. He had no idea how long he had been looking at her, without blinking. Even if he blinked, he certainly couldn't recall doing so. When she moved her head and looked at him, she saw his gleaming smile. She smiled back quizzically and that in turn, broke his spell too.

“Even Mona Lisa would have shied away today”, he flirtingly said without recovering from his leaning posture.

She smiled slightly and turned to the other side, hiding her smile from him.

“And?”, she was still listening.

“And, and Michelangelo would have surely dumped her as his subject for that beautiful masterpiece!”

It worked! She laughed loudly and slowly came to him, never once looking away as their eyes communicated in mischief.

She lovingly ruffled his hair, whispering coyly in his ears, “But honey, Mona Lisa was painted by Da Vinci.”, and headed for the television where her son was constantly clicking the remote control.

He scratched his temples lightly in an attempt to hide his face and bit his tongue lightly before breaking out into a wide smile.

“Coffee?”

Fiction #2

There’s a story I wish to tell tonight.

There is a girl. A boy too is in the story. Well there could have been many, the girl is so sweet. Who wouldn’t have wanted her? Yet, that is why the girl was wanted by everyone, because only one, the ‘One’ could have had her. I have known them for quite some time now. I see them from a distance, like from the other side of the glass, like a motion picture. For them, I don’t exist, or I am just another nobody.

Hmm okay, I think referring to them as 'boy' and 'girl' won’t do them any justice.

So..

There was a young man, and a charming young lady. They're friends, close friends, very close indeed, like flame and fire, different names, yet same essentially. Some say they loved each other, maybe they do. Looking at them it's really hard to say that they are not lovers. But I don’t know what it is between them. Maybe, just maybe, they love each other, or maybe it is just a one-sided affair, possibly a one-sided love from both sides at the same time, or perhaps it is just the way they are, good friends.

It was the night when they were travelling back to their hometown. The motion of the express train made it hard to tell if it was cloudy or the skies were star lit, but there was no moon for sure. But the air locked compartment was quiet enough to hear two souls talking.

I had been seeing the usual - the conversation that had started from the adventures of the trip and all the frolicking, from the pranks played on their respective colleagues, to the tales where they were the poor victims and the nagging when the one made fun of the others pitiable situations. I had been observing how it had transformed into talks of family, childhood, old friends, new friends, expectations, to nostalgic moments, moments that had hurt, moments that had been too good, all that had come to pass before both had found each other.

They had been talking like there was going to be no tomorrow and redemption depended on the confessions of tonight. She had found her pillow in his lap and he found his against the window pane. And just when I thought that I could keep on watching them for eternity, the station arrived - parting time!

It was at the station that I realised that it was in fact a wild night. It was a cold February night, I think. They were not willing to part and he had insisted on dropping her home. She refused to oblige and said that she wanted to carry the memories of that night in her heart from there on. She asked him to seal it. Reluctantly and willingly, shyly and boldly, she… she asked from him a kiss, a midnight kiss, a seal to the memories.

And there he stood, head bowed down. No, he did not say no. How could he hurt her? But he could not just agree to it like that. Didn’t lovers kiss? But were they lovers? He was confused. She waited, and waited, and he never moved an inch. He stood frozen, like the cold wind had just frozen every bit of his body.

Crestfallen, she turned around. And very silently, her eyes started to burn a little, they were becoming hotter with every moment that passed, and the blurring had started to occur from the corners. At least the tears knew how to take care of the lovely eyes, at least the tears couldn’t see them burning. The nose? It was already red with the cold winds, and the cheeks.. The ears? They had just been blushing a moment ago, pink. But just after she had taken her first step, somebody gripped her right wrist.

He turned her around facing her, still dazed. His deep set of emerald green eyes burned into hers.

“And you could just walk away like that?”

He unzipped his jacket a little and placed her right palm towards the left of his chest.

I think it was the place where the trouble had been brewing all this time. And I think I saw her smile, from behind her teary eyes.

She felt his heart beating a steady rhythm..one she could listen to all day long.

“With this situation, I fear it will fly out of you if I make any further move!”

And she let out a gasping laugh from between her sobs. She was crying now, and laughing alongside. And yes, she looked adorable. Keeping her hand close to his chest, he moved closer to her.

He then kissed her on the forehead. And then on her right eye, and then the other one. With every kiss, she felt his lips getting warmer, she felt his heart thumping against her palm violently. It wanted out; it wanted to be in those hands that were feeling it now. And then, he kissed her. She stood motionless, there was no grotesque sensual kissing, and yet it was nothing short of an unchained melody. The lips met, and then the lips parted…

Some people say they loved each other. I don’t know, maybe they did, maybe it was more… There are many things that I cannot know from this side of the glass.

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Oh I really wish I could tell you a story tonight!! :p

Fiction

Never before had he felt such a surge erupt inside of him. This was much more different than anything else he had ever felt. Frustration? No, he was not feeling anything. Agony? Regrets? None. But he was disturbed.

Something was going on, and he did not quite know. His body was undergoing some new change. It was making him restless every passing moment. But the heartbeat was constant, breathing normal, eyes focused, nothing was out of place, yet there was some anxiety.

What was happening? There had been just one constant urge tonight - to run. Nothing more. Where to? No idea! Why? No answers, just an urge. As if blood was being pumped into the legs and would spill out if he did not run. It forced him onto his feet. All he had been doing was tossing on his bed after his friends had shrieked at him when he kept flicking the table lamp's switch incessantly. No respite, no escape. Quietly he slipped out from his bed and out of the dorm.

A breezy night, the moon was a crescent shining in some place that seemed to be the edge of the cliff, half hiding in the clouds, diffusing an orange hue in them. Willows were fraying melodiously with the breeze. He felt like flowing too. His shoes now seemed to be a hindrance. The surge was forcing him out of them, out of the steadiness. Something was pushing him.

And so he ran, and ran so hard. He ran until he was spent and could run no more. It was exhilarating, adrenaline pumped through his veins and arteries and he did not know when this would end. He ran into the forest, he ran over the ditches, in and out of the shallow stream, and yet all he wanted to do was run some more. He started on the upwards steep. His legs were burning, but the urge made him adamant. He did not focus on anything around, just the narrow pathway shimmering in the moonlight like it too was lit up to mark the way.

And then came the fall. He tripped, slipped and fell on his nose. The ground, he discovered was mossy, and damp from the falling dew. He was still burning to have felt anything else, he just flipped over and laid there, laughing like a mad man. A man who had just lost his wits and was laughing with nobody. He had run quite a distance to be heard by anyone. He was feeling awesome, and just when he tried to stand back, he snapped ‘Ouch’, and fell again. He felt the blood from his nose, laughed again and a bit more!

Stupidity

One feels small and a little unfortunate for getting trapped in mediocre thinking. For being a victim of society - mainly the 'issues' with society and everything else I'd like to describe as 'blah blah blah'.

I mean screw it goddammit! The problem isn't who cares or who doesn't, neither is it when someone makes a fuss..the problem is why can't we live a sensible lifestyle. Mentally. And culturally too for that matter.

I feel most of the religious sentiments and cultural protocols came in due to our ancestors' own insecurities. Why it has to be carried and tortured over generations is out of my logic. And I wonder why nobody breaks it.

Don't you think it's too much rubbish that hovers over our thinking and entire lifetime planning? It could all be pretty simple. Love and live. With nobody predominately deciding what and whom to love; nor how to live.

Being caged in ridiculous cultural obligations despite having a comfortable life is the most unfortunate thing. And you would know it only when you were made to go through it.

We are so backward about being forward.

Existence

How many lives do I live? How many lifetimes exist within me?

No matter how much I may deny it, no matter how much I may try, I am not just me. My way was no longer genuine from the very moment I started to understand. My way of thinking, my principles, ethics, almost everything that I might claim to be mine, is influenced from everybody I know. Its something not invented, but is imbibed from the surroundings. Not even a single person, to whom I might have talked to, no matter how small that talk would have been, has not failed to implant some thought process of his on my mind.

Even if I wanted to learn everything on my own, I cannot just shut down my senses to this world! I wonder, if the world around me, and the people who adorn the pages in history and all other literature, if all of them would somehow come alive again, and look inside me, how many of them would find a part of them, their ideologies thriving inside me? No matter how small it would be, but I'm sure it would certainly be there. But then again, they also learned it from somewhere, but where?

If I, myself am to look inside me, how many thoughts that I own would I find are actually my own? Am I really original, or just a myriad of different hues? Am I a masterpiece or just a clown stuffed with foreign ideas and draped in the tapestries from different designers?

Even now as I am writing these views here, I still wonder, are these original and indigenous? Have I come to realise this on my own or even these questions have been asked before by someone, and I have just breathed them in like air?

I have no answer, and am pretty convinced with the fact that I would never be sure.

What about you?

Random again!

What's with the world these days? I witnessed a very disturbing scene over the weekend. I was at the mall and was passing a manicure & pedicure salon ans saw something that made me freeze in my tracks in total shock.

No, I didn't see ladies tearing each others' hair out just to be the first in queue(trust me I wouldn't be surprised by such a scene cos they are becoming quite frequent in the news these days aren't they!). What I saw was something totally new to me. There were 3 girls, probably around the ages of not more than 6 or 7 years old, getting a pedicure done!

Hang on, aren't beauty salons for grown ladies?! When did beauty and looking sexy become an issue/requirement/necessity for kids? I was stunned. These kids had faces of angels, they had barely grown out of their baby years, and here they were lying down like adults, wondering about God knows what while their tiny toenails got painted in red slutty nailpolish by a woman old enough to be their grandma! What are their parents doing to these children by letting them run amok with adult frenzies?

Why would they need brightly painted toenails, let alone manicures and pedicures? Aren't those tiny feet supposed to be covered by sneakers and climb trees, or run bare feet in fresh green grass feeling nature on their skin?

These days there are kids on Twitter, Facebook etc doing what adults are doing..then there are Kate Moss wannabes pursuing modelling careers at the age of 12..then there are kids going to pre-uni classes at the age of 5!

Kids these days know a lot, wanna be a lot more than who they are, ask for a lot more than they can afford, do a lot of things that tarnish their innocence, only to feel 'cool' about themselves and stay in touch with the trends. And in that process, they lose their entire 'childhood'. And their parents support all of this, sadly.

Peer pressure can be a killer of originality. The same applies to adults. The pressure to do what everyone else is doing is mind-numbingly sad. We live in an era where people are living pseudo lives, where Skype is how you stay in touch, where sleeping pills take care of all your worries, where a breakup is done through a text message, where being hot is what it takes to be loved, where a gun is the way of dealing with frustration, where your mother is no longer the first person you call, where relationships are as quick and cheap as a drive-thru meal, where having one night stands and getting thrashed is the 'in' thing, where wants are endless, where 'plastic culture' is on the prowl.

Life has become so fast, cheap and fake today that I wouldn't be surprised if a foetus in the womb demands for a tablet pc next!

Today, life blooms with too much information, and the blossom withers and falls off way before it's time..simply because there's a paranoia of being left behind - something that need not be feared if you aren't a follower..

Happy father's day :)

I remember all the piggyback rides you'd take me on. I remember crying because I'd broken one of my toys and you immediately promised me a new one. I remember being a brat to you and despite all that, you have never once laid a finger on me.

I remember how you'd worry and stay up all night to check on me whenever I fell sick. You still do that now but it's not that bad. You made sure I had everything I wanted and because of that, I have never lacked anything in my life.

You never said it, but I know:

You were glad enough to see my smiling face.
You were deeply distressed to see my tears.
You were angry when a playmate hit me.
You were proud of me when I won a prize.
You consider me as one of the greatest gifts in your life.

I never said it too, but you know it well - Papa, I love you more than life.

P.S L.A has been awesome so far! Heading for Vegas tmr!

Untitled

"In the end we only regret: the chances we didn’t take, the relationships we were afraid to have and the decisions we took too long to make."

Yup, pretty much sums everything up.

Self affirmation

It's like rain falling down,

drops of pain hit the ground.
I can't speak - there's no sound
when you're gone..

I can,
I will,
I know,
I can untie these hands..
And get back up again.

There's not gonna be a shelter this time.

Conversations

There is always the conversation. There is always something to talk about. How can there ever be nothing at all to talk about?

Between lovers, there is always that little thing that happens during the day, where you wished that your special someone was there, so you could share that moment with him/her. And since that special someone isn't there, you are eager to tell him/her about it.

Yes, there are the dull days, when nothing happens and everything seems as mundane and as routine as brushing your teeth. But the urge to share even that little detail is there.

But then things change with time. Change is after all, inevitable.

In that inevitable change, maybe the tenacity to share goes away.. Maybe the talks become too mundane. And maybe the practicalities of life take over and it becomes more important to not share than to share.

Sometimes, I feel that in this changing world of technology, where thanks to all the social media, you're able to share all with the world, thus making it harder to share your little world with your someone special.

For me it is becoming harder to keep track of the world around me on the social media, I just wish that times were simpler and the eagerness to talk was still there!

Somewhere the conversations have gone lost. The plan has gone haywire and I am not too happy about it! :(

I want to have a conversations again, and again. I know the power of silence, but what's a girl to do when the silence becomes more uncomfortable than comforting?

...

It has been this way for so long. It's not that easy.

To think I'd actually managed to convince myself that I was fine. I even analysed everything in my head logically.. Now that it's really happening, I find myself back at square one - confused all over again.

I asked myself, time and again, just what is it that I really want. What is it that I deserve.

I think my main problem now is, I have no clue as to what I want. And even if I did, I don't think I'd have the courage to just let go of what I have, and move forward. Nope..I'm comfy at where I am. I'm still within my comfort zone. It's been years, and I can't find it in me to just walk away.

I need to walk out of it; take that first step, I know. But I honestly can't even think about taking that first step. It's so foreign it's scaring me. I don't know what I'm gonna do.

Sigh. Stupid me.

Back to square one

It's funny how it always leads to this. I'm sorry.

Memories and words keep haunting me..taunting me even. I..I just don't wanna do this anymore.

I don't want this to be real. I don't wanna make it real..if you get what I mean. It's a tiring process. That's why I wanna leave things the way they are. Selfish, I know. Sometimes I don't get myself either.

Perhaps I really am not trying in your eyes. Let's just leave it at that shall we? Cos I honestly don't see the point in arguing or trying to get you to understand what's on my mind.

As the raindrops fall..they tell a story.

When we're crafted we're like that newly purchsed notebook that has not yet been scribbled on. Words are written slowly and gradually, and pages begin to fill. We observe entraces and exits - some unpleasant and some ineffably delightful. Smiles are witnessed, but not without the absence of numerous tear blotches, of course, that make the once crispy pages irrevocably soggy. Faces are etched on pages that we like to go back to every once in awhile on some sullen, lonely night when we're longing for company. We live with nostalgia for so long that we realise we'd be lonely without it.

People come. They scribble their story. They leave. It's a never ending cycle. We firmly believe we can hold on to the pleasure of having a certain someone's company for all eternity but we're naive. We realise that at the end of the day we're left just as we always were - alone and deprived of love. But our egos resist and we're fooled into thinking we can do no wrong as we begin to chase a different someone with the conviction of a zealot.

It's absurd how other people get to decide what our tale is going to look like; if it's going to have heart-shaped confetti sprinkled over every page or if it's going to look like the reflection of a morose, overcast sky. We realise we don't have much say in that but we suppress our thoughts. We think we're heroes. Heroes who can take over the world in the blink of an eye. Only till we're thwarted and foiled. Till we realise we're losing control and conveniently blame our destiny. We think at length of what could've been, of how different life could be only if we hadn't made that one decision. It breaks our heart, for it's a tad too late. That particular passage has already been penned. It's irremediable.

While we take our time to scan other people's tales, we're bound to compare them with ours. Some of us mull over the fact that we weren't all born with silver spoons in our mouths and wonder how other people are so in control of their stories regardless of our limited knowledge of their lives. We love to form opinions based on secondhand experiences. Opinions that are firm and are most likely never going to change. But we're fine with that. Only as long as it doesn't affect us.

Words continue to appear, paving way for either a fairytale or a heartrending tragedy or a blend of both. Those of us who are scarred with the calamitous silently wait for a twist of fate..for something to look forward to. While those of us who are blessed with bliss get busy carping..get consumed by the unsettling warp of what-ifs. We're all, at the end of the day, running after fantasies that are not likely ever to transpire. We're arrogant ingrates.