Silent Reverie

It's always sunny in Philadelphia!

2011-12-31T19:26:00.005+08:00

Sorry for the random title, I just wanna be in Philly right now! I just really miss the USA..

Nevermind, will be back there soon enough. :)

2011, where do I start? Do I even want to start? Even thinking and recollecting what this year has been like seems like a chore to me and added to that is the fact that almost every blogger is doing a year end round-up post. But I did want to write this post ages back and since one of my new year plans (the word resolution totally puts me off. Hmph.) is to complete every task and idea that I have, here I am penning down this totally imperfect and incomplete list of highlights.

So many dreams trashed, some newly orchestrated, few turned out to be nightmares and well, a handful crystalized too, though I have yet to understand the complete picture of 2011, or better yet, I'll just leave it at that. Not all puzzles need be solved. All in all, this year gave me what I have been looking for, a space, a part of me that lives here on this blog so that it takes a better shape down the line.

2011, you are a blur to me. A whirlwind that tore through my life, scattering my carefully laid out plans, throwing away my ideas in every direction possible, trapping me in your angry arms and leaving me lost and confused.

Okay, it wasn't that bad.

I may not have blogged regularly; however yet, I have little details noted down in secret journals. I still have my memories. I am fond of memories, I keep them close, so close that even my breath feels like a stranger compared to the memories.

A few of the major highlights of the year was having both my favourite music acts perform in Singapore! Michael was bloody charming as usual and Westlife, well, the biggest loves of my life, were amazing.

But ah, 14 years at the top, and they're going out with a bang. They deserve this.

I met a whole bunch of people this year, and I'm very grateful to have them in my life. These people kept me going when I felt that all was lost, and kept pushing me when I wanted to throw in the towel and let the world defeat me. I think I'm pretty blessed. :)

Another highlight was meeting Joseph in America LOL. Ahh Joseph, how can I forget that pair of beautiful, deep set emerald green eyes and that cheeky smile of yours? Hahaha!

Lost my voice for the first time while I was in Los Angeles.. which totally sucked cos all the Americans were talking to me and I couldn't respond without getting frustrated when nothing came out. -_- But nonetheless I had a lot of fun there! Much needed vacation.

Anyhow..lost my camera pouch in San Francisco.. I'm pretty sure I dropped it in the hotel lobby while I was running out with Peter to catch the gay pride parade! Which means it's still somewhere in San Francisco right now.. wonder who found it. Goodness. Lost a few hundred dollars worth of memory sticks! Thank goodness we brought the netbook there..didn't lose all our photos. :)

God damn I'm rambling again. Ugh.

I'm just really glad that 2011's gonna be over in a couple of hours, it's been one hell of a ride and I'm hoping 2012 gets better! Unless we all die in December like Mayan calender predicted... Nah, not gonna die. The awesome one isn't gonna die while she's 21. Hell no.

I need to stop ramblingggg! Hahaha. Gonna usher in the new year with my family tonight! So, here's wishing everyone a blessed and happy 2012! May your year be filled with awesomeness and lotsa happy stuff! Xxx

Birthday!

2011-11-11T18:31:00.000+08:00

It's 11.11.11 today and it's also my grandpa's birthday! :D

After one week of discussing, we've finally decided to take him to Prego at the Swissotel for some Italian food! He has no idea so it'll be nice seeing his reaction later haha.

Andddd I got Phillip to tweet him a happy birthday omg! Bloody awesome! I didn't even realise Phillip responded till I saw a happy birthday! Hahaha. Such a sweetheart as usual.

Okay the real reason why I'm blogging nonsense I'd because I've got a 3 hour break and I'm bored shitless now. If only Phillip were right next to me.. lol.

I hope I manage to make it back by 6 later.. our reservation's at 7..

Sigh ok this is getting retarded I'm gonna just end this post here.

And happy birthday ThaTha!!!

Yay!

2011-10-03T12:00:00.002+08:00

The 6 hr wait was totally worth it! :)

Reality hasn't sunk in yet, and I'm pretty sure I'm gonna start weeping later.. BUT HELL YES!

A dream come true! Last night was surreal. I couldn't actually believe the lads were before my very eyes, and Nicky grinned and did some x-men sign to me! Cute as hell!

Tonight's gonna be one of the best nights of my life. Gonna have a blast! Omgggg.

We, are the change.

2011-10-01T11:01:00.006+08:00

(Dear lovelies, being the transcript of a presentation, this post is verbose and written in a different style)

Do you ever challenge a preconceived notion? Have you ever question an assumption? Do you ever confront your own belief system?

Right may not be right. A social norm may be misconstrued.

But it is okay to question and challenge. It is okay to change. And we can make a change. People like us changed the world and people like us are changing the world.

First let us take a look at science that works on hypothesis and proofs.

Recently some scientists claimed that Neutrinos can travel faster than speed of light. Modern day theories of physics assume that no object can travel faster than light. Theories of modern physics are being challenged. Einstein's theory of relativity is being debated at this exact moment.

Does the Earth rotate around the Sun or does the Sun rotate around the Earth? For a long time, churches and astronomers believed that the Earth was the center of our Universe and that the Sun rotated around the Earth. Copernicus and Galileo proved heliocentrism but neither the church nor the established astronomers accepted it. Galileo was under house arrest for a long time. Galileo and Copernicus challenged the churches and changed the theories.

Before 1903, scientists were convinced that anything heavier than air could not fly. Just a week before the first flight at Kitty Hawk, a renowned scientist published an article PROVING that flying was IMPOSSIBLE. The Wright brothers’ invention was called a hoax even after the demonstration. But look at us now! Not only can we fly, we're also sending spaceships outside of the Earth’s environment! The science of flying has been changed forever. In 1961, less than 60 years into the first flight, USSR sent Yuri Gagarin, the first human, into space.

Secondly, consider political landscape which works on power.

USSR was a massive and powerful country. It was hard to imagine the collapse of the world’s largest superpower. Moving from communism to democracy was not even a thought during the cold war.

Egypt is another good example. 30 years of autocracy ended in less than 30 days, 18 to be precise! Egypt is now heading towards democracy and we may see the first election on Nov 28.

At one point, the British Empire was so vast that the sun never set in it. But it changed. The British Empire had an army of 2 million men, tanks and arms but Gandhi’s non violence won.

Lastly, consider the social values.

The British hung signs stating ‘Indians and Dogs not allowed’ at the clubs. Winston Churchill made derogatory remarks and called Gandhi, a half-naked fakir. But the British negotiated with this half-naked fakir. High caste Hindus like Nehru followed Gandhi when India was marred and fragmented by the caste system. Gandhi made remarkable attempts to integrate the Indian society to eliminate hollow caste system.

And who can forget Martin Luther King Jr and his famous words ‘I have a dream’. His dream came true. It was only as late as 1964, that the Civil Right Act was passed and thus banning discrimination. America saw its first black governor in 1990 (Douglas Wilder - Governor of Virginia) and just 18 years later, the very first black President. President Obama.

Martin Luther King Jr, Gandhi, Copernicus and others were people like us. Like them, we can attempt to make a change. A change that would make our society better. A change that would make our world better

Untitled

2011-09-21T00:09:00.002+08:00

What happened? Something did.

More of a statement than a question.

Things change.

And I've lost count.

So this is, let's say, the 'n'th time when things have changed.

And it makes me numb. Absolutely blank.

When there is no analysis, no inference and no conclusion. When all you know is that things have changed.

It's so bittersweet, I honestly cannot bring myself to smile. I cannot weep.

There is the obvious sinking feeling inside. And everything that farewell brings along with it.

And damn, it eats you.

Moreover the variables attached to the constants are already juggling and trying to seek logic in my head.

But I must say at the end of it..I'm happy. I'm happy for everything. I'm absolutely sad about nothing.

And that in itself makes me more happy.

Fiction #3

2011-09-01T17:24:00.013+08:00

It has been raining relentlessly for the last four hours, raining like the skies ran out of storage space to accommodate more water. It was supposed to be mid June, summers reigning mercilessly over the plains. And yet it has been raining today.

Such change in weather has been seldom seen, especially over the last few years, when even the monsoons flew past the unnoticed, parched skies. The skies had been prejudiced against any color in sky that could bring the tiniest of hopes of quenching the land and its people below. Fluffy whites had lingered in desolation and dispersed for many months now.

Overwhelmed and overrun, the gates had broken, giving way to the pent up release. Almost sharp and hard hitting arrow like droplets had been incessantly showering in an attempt to sink deeper into earth’s skin.

She hadn't noticed him at all; along with the rest of the things, he had been sitting there for almost an hour as he watched her drawn away by the rain. She was the only person in his eyes all this time, he was so lost in her, oblivious to the world - just like her, only he was watching the lockes of her hair breaking and oscillating for a while before eventually breaking down into stillness, somewhere over her tender face.

His eyes moved with her curls just like her’s followed the droplets. He wasn’t in a very comfortable posture. Arms folded on the thin rim of the chair and the chin resting on his arms, he observed her inquisitively, never minding his tired arms which might have started to hurt because of the pressure of the narrow rim. Watching her at peace mysteriously brought a bright smile on his face of which, even he wasn’t aware of.

Rain on the window as sunshine is her face,

Her gleaming radiances such, am transfixed in my place,

The golden lockes sneak out, to glimpse her beauty,

As they gingerly swing, tending to her grace.

A break in the spell of the rains brought her out of her reverie. He had no idea how long he had been looking at her, without blinking. Even if he blinked, he certainly couldn't recall doing so. When she moved her head and looked at him, she saw his gleaming smile. She smiled back quizzically and that in turn, broke his spell too.

“Even Mona Lisa would have shied away today”, he flirtingly said without recovering from his leaning posture.

She smiled slightly and turned to the other side, hiding her smile from him.

“And?”, she was still listening.

“And, and Michelangelo would have surely dumped her as his subject for that beautiful masterpiece!”

It worked! She laughed loudly and slowly came to him, never once looking away as their eyes communicated in mischief.

She lovingly ruffled his hair, whispering coyly in his ears, “But honey, Mona Lisa was painted by Da Vinci.”, and headed for the television where her son was constantly clicking the remote control.

He scratched his temples lightly in an attempt to hide his face and bit his tongue lightly before breaking out into a wide smile.

“Coffee?”

Fiction #2

2011-08-29T22:42:00.017+08:00

There’s a story I wish to tell tonight.

There is a girl. A boy too is in the story. Well there could have been many, the girl is so sweet. Who wouldn’t have wanted her? Yet, that is why the girl was wanted by everyone, because only one, the ‘One’ could have had her. I have known them for quite some time now. I see them from a distance, like from the other side of the glass, like a motion picture. For them, I don’t exist, or I am just another nobody.

Hmm okay, I think referring to them as 'boy' and 'girl' won’t do them any justice.

So..

There was a young man, and a charming young lady. They're friends, close friends, very close indeed, like flame and fire, different names, yet same essentially. Some say they loved each other, maybe they do. Looking at them it's really hard to say that they are not lovers. But I don’t know what it is between them. Maybe, just maybe, they love each other, or maybe it is just a one-sided affair, possibly a one-sided love from both sides at the same time, or perhaps it is just the way they are, good friends.

It was the night when they were travelling back to their hometown. The motion of the express train made it hard to tell if it was cloudy or the skies were star lit, but there was no moon for sure. But the air locked compartment was quiet enough to hear two souls talking.

I had been seeing the usual - the conversation that had started from the adventures of the trip and all the frolicking, from the pranks played on their respective colleagues, to the tales where they were the poor victims and the nagging when the one made fun of the others pitiable situations. I had been observing how it had transformed into talks of family, childhood, old friends, new friends, expectations, to nostalgic moments, moments that had hurt, moments that had been too good, all that had come to pass before both had found each other.

They had been talking like there was going to be no tomorrow and redemption depended on the confessions of tonight. She had found her pillow in his lap and he found his against the window pane. And just when I thought that I could keep on watching them for eternity, the station arrived - parting time!

It was at the station that I realised that it was in fact a wild night. It was a cold February night, I think. They were not willing to part and he had insisted on dropping her home. She refused to oblige and said that she wanted to carry the memories of that night in her heart from there on. She asked him to seal it. Reluctantly and willingly, shyly and boldly, she… she asked from him a kiss, a midnight kiss, a seal to the memories.

And there he stood, head bowed down. No, he did not say no. How could he hurt her? But he could not just agree to it like that. Didn’t lovers kiss? But were they lovers? He was confused. She waited, and waited, and he never moved an inch. He stood frozen, like the cold wind had just frozen every bit of his body.

Crestfallen, she turned around. And very silently, her eyes started to burn a little, they were becoming hotter with every moment that passed, and the blurring had started to occur from the corners. At least the tears knew how to take care of the lovely eyes, at least the tears couldn’t see them burning. The nose? It was already red with the cold winds, and the cheeks.. The ears? They had just been blushing a moment ago, pink. But just after she had taken her first step, somebody gripped her right wrist.

He turned her around facing her, still dazed. His deep set of emerald green eyes burned into hers.

“And you could just walk away like that?”

He unzipped his jacket a little and placed her right palm towards the left of his chest.

I think it was the place where the trouble had been brewing all this time. And I think I saw her smile, from behind her teary eyes.

She felt his heart beating a steady rhythm..one she could listen to all day long.

“With this situation, I fear it will fly out of you if I make any further move!”

And she let out a gasping laugh from between her sobs. She was crying now, and laughing alongside. And yes, she looked adorable. Keeping her hand close to his chest, he moved closer to her.

He then kissed her on the forehead. And then on her right eye, and then the other one. With every kiss, she felt his lips getting warmer, she felt his heart thumping against her palm violently. It wanted out; it wanted to be in those hands that were feeling it now. And then, he kissed her. She stood motionless, there was no grotesque sensual kissing, and yet it was nothing short of an unchained melody. The lips met, and then the lips parted…

Some people say they loved each other. I don’t know, maybe they did, maybe it was more… There are many things that I cannot know from this side of the glass.

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Oh I really wish I could tell you a story tonight!! :p

Fiction

2011-08-28T16:48:00.008+08:00

Never before had he felt such a surge erupt inside of him. This was much more different than anything else he had ever felt. Frustration? No, he was not feeling anything. Agony? Regrets? None. But he was disturbed.

Something was going on, and he did not quite know. His body was undergoing some new change. It was making him restless every passing moment. But the heartbeat was constant, breathing normal, eyes focused, nothing was out of place, yet there was some anxiety.

What was happening? There had been just one constant urge tonight - to run. Nothing more. Where to? No idea! Why? No answers, just an urge. As if blood was being pumped into the legs and would spill out if he did not run. It forced him onto his feet. All he had been doing was tossing on his bed after his friends had shrieked at him when he kept flicking the table lamp's switch incessantly. No respite, no escape. Quietly he slipped out from his bed and out of the dorm.

A breezy night, the moon was a crescent shining in some place that seemed to be the edge of the cliff, half hiding in the clouds, diffusing an orange hue in them. Willows were fraying melodiously with the breeze. He felt like flowing too. His shoes now seemed to be a hindrance. The surge was forcing him out of them, out of the steadiness. Something was pushing him.

And so he ran, and ran so hard. He ran until he was spent and could run no more. It was exhilarating, adrenaline pumped through his veins and arteries and he did not know when this would end. He ran into the forest, he ran over the ditches, in and out of the shallow stream, and yet all he wanted to do was run some more. He started on the upwards steep. His legs were burning, but the urge made him adamant. He did not focus on anything around, just the narrow pathway shimmering in the moonlight like it too was lit up to mark the way.

And then came the fall. He tripped, slipped and fell on his nose. The ground, he discovered was mossy, and damp from the falling dew. He was still burning to have felt anything else, he just flipped over and laid there, laughing like a mad man. A man who had just lost his wits and was laughing with nobody. He had run quite a distance to be heard by anyone. He was feeling awesome, and just when he tried to stand back, he snapped ‘Ouch’, and fell again. He felt the blood from his nose, laughed again and a bit more!

Stupidity

2011-08-11T15:49:00.004+08:00

One feels small and a little unfortunate for getting trapped in mediocre thinking. For being a victim of society - mainly the 'issues' with society and everything else I'd like to describe as 'blah blah blah'.

I mean screw it goddammit! The problem isn't who cares or who doesn't, neither is it when someone makes a fuss..the problem is why can't we live a sensible lifestyle. Mentally. And culturally too for that matter.

I feel most of the religious sentiments and cultural protocols came in due to our ancestors' own insecurities. Why it has to be carried and tortured over generations is out of my logic. And I wonder why nobody breaks it.

Don't you think it's too much rubbish that hovers over our thinking and entire lifetime planning? It could all be pretty simple. Love and live. With nobody predominately deciding what and whom to love; nor how to live.

Being caged in ridiculous cultural obligations despite having a comfortable life is the most unfortunate thing. And you would know it only when you were made to go through it.

We are so backward about being forward.

Existence

2011-08-05T18:52:00.001+08:00

How many lives do I live? How many lifetimes exist within me?

No matter how much I may deny it, no matter how much I may try, I am not just me. My way was no longer genuine from the very moment I started to understand. My way of thinking, my principles, ethics, almost everything that I might claim to be mine, is influenced from everybody I know. Its something not invented, but is imbibed from the surroundings. Not even a single person, to whom I might have talked to, no matter how small that talk would have been, has not failed to implant some thought process of his on my mind.

Even if I wanted to learn everything on my own, I cannot just shut down my senses to this world! I wonder, if the world around me, and the people who adorn the pages in history and all other literature, if all of them would somehow come alive again, and look inside me, how many of them would find a part of them, their ideologies thriving inside me? No matter how small it would be, but I'm sure it would certainly be there. But then again, they also learned it from somewhere, but where?

If I, myself am to look inside me, how many thoughts that I own would I find are actually my own? Am I really original, or just a myriad of different hues? Am I a masterpiece or just a clown stuffed with foreign ideas and draped in the tapestries from different designers?

Even now as I am writing these views here, I still wonder, are these original and indigenous? Have I come to realise this on my own or even these questions have been asked before by someone, and I have just breathed them in like air?

I have no answer, and am pretty convinced with the fact that I would never be sure.

What about you?

Random again!

2011-07-31T23:25:00.014+08:00

What's with the world these days? I witnessed a very disturbing scene over the weekend. I was at the mall and was passing a manicure & pedicure salon ans saw something that made me freeze in my tracks in total shock.

No, I didn't see ladies tearing each others' hair out just to be the first in queue(trust me I wouldn't be surprised by such a scene cos they are becoming quite frequent in the news these days aren't they!). What I saw was something totally new to me. There were 3 girls, probably around the ages of not more than 6 or 7 years old, getting a pedicure done!

Hang on, aren't beauty salons for grown ladies?! When did beauty and looking sexy become an issue/requirement/necessity for kids? I was stunned. These kids had faces of angels, they had barely grown out of their baby years, and here they were lying down like adults, wondering about God knows what while their tiny toenails got painted in red slutty nailpolish by a woman old enough to be their grandma! What are their parents doing to these children by letting them run amok with adult frenzies?

Why would they need brightly painted toenails, let alone manicures and pedicures? Aren't those tiny feet supposed to be covered by sneakers and climb trees, or run bare feet in fresh green grass feeling nature on their skin?

These days there are kids on Twitter, Facebook etc doing what adults are doing..then there are Kate Moss wannabes pursuing modelling careers at the age of 12..then there are kids going to pre-uni classes at the age of 5!

Kids these days know a lot, wanna be a lot more than who they are, ask for a lot more than they can afford, do a lot of things that tarnish their innocence, only to feel 'cool' about themselves and stay in touch with the trends. And in that process, they lose their entire 'childhood'. And their parents support all of this, sadly.

Peer pressure can be a killer of originality. The same applies to adults. The pressure to do what everyone else is doing is mind-numbingly sad. We live in an era where people are living pseudo lives, where Skype is how you stay in touch, where sleeping pills take care of all your worries, where a breakup is done through a text message, where being hot is what it takes to be loved, where a gun is the way of dealing with frustration, where your mother is no longer the first person you call, where relationships are as quick and cheap as a drive-thru meal, where having one night stands and getting thrashed is the 'in' thing, where wants are endless, where 'plastic culture' is on the prowl.

Life has become so fast, cheap and fake today that I wouldn't be surprised if a foetus in the womb demands for a tablet pc next!

Today, life blooms with too much information, and the blossom withers and falls off way before it's time..simply because there's a paranoia of being left behind - something that need not be feared if you aren't a follower..

Happy father's day :)

2011-06-19T23:41:00.001+08:00

I remember all the piggyback rides you'd take me on. I remember crying because I'd broken one of my toys and you immediately promised me a new one. I remember being a brat to you and despite all that, you have never once laid a finger on me.

I remember how you'd worry and stay up all night to check on me whenever I fell sick. You still do that now but it's not that bad. You made sure I had everything I wanted and because of that, I have never lacked anything in my life.

You never said it, but I know:

You were glad enough to see my smiling face.
You were deeply distressed to see my tears.
You were angry when a playmate hit me.
You were proud of me when I won a prize.
You consider me as one of the greatest gifts in your life.

I never said it too, but you know it well - Papa, I love you more than life.

P.S L.A has been awesome so far! Heading for Vegas tmr!

Untitled

2011-06-15T17:22:00.003+08:00

"In the end we only regret: the chances we didn’t take, the relationships we were afraid to have and the decisions we took too long to make."

Yup, pretty much sums everything up.

Self affirmation

2011-05-29T17:56:00.005+08:00

It's like rain falling down,

drops of pain hit the ground.
I can't speak - there's no sound
when you're gone..

I can,
I will,
I know,
I can untie these hands..
And get back up again.

There's not gonna be a shelter this time.

Conversations

2011-05-22T20:40:00.004+08:00

There is always the conversation. There is always something to talk about. How can there ever be nothing at all to talk about?

Between lovers, there is always that little thing that happens during the day, where you wished that your special someone was there, so you could share that moment with him/her. And since that special someone isn't there, you are eager to tell him/her about it.

Yes, there are the dull days, when nothing happens and everything seems as mundane and as routine as brushing your teeth. But the urge to share even that little detail is there.

But then things change with time. Change is after all, inevitable.

In that inevitable change, maybe the tenacity to share goes away.. Maybe the talks become too mundane. And maybe the practicalities of life take over and it becomes more important to not share than to share.

Sometimes, I feel that in this changing world of technology, where thanks to all the social media, you're able to share all with the world, thus making it harder to share your little world with your someone special.

For me it is becoming harder to keep track of the world around me on the social media, I just wish that times were simpler and the eagerness to talk was still there!

Somewhere the conversations have gone lost. The plan has gone haywire and I am not too happy about it! :(

I want to have a conversations again, and again. I know the power of silence, but what's a girl to do when the silence becomes more uncomfortable than comforting?

...

2011-05-08T14:39:00.002+08:00

It has been this way for so long. It's not that easy.

To think I'd actually managed to convince myself that I was fine. I even analysed everything in my head logically.. Now that it's really happening, I find myself back at square one - confused all over again.

I asked myself, time and again, just what is it that I really want. What is it that I deserve.

I think my main problem now is, I have no clue as to what I want. And even if I did, I don't think I'd have the courage to just let go of what I have, and move forward. Nope..I'm comfy at where I am. I'm still within my comfort zone. It's been years, and I can't find it in me to just walk away.

I need to walk out of it; take that first step, I know. But I honestly can't even think about taking that first step. It's so foreign it's scaring me. I don't know what I'm gonna do.

Sigh. Stupid me.

Back to square one

2011-04-30T20:48:00.002+08:00

It's funny how it always leads to this. I'm sorry.

Memories and words keep haunting me..taunting me even. I..I just don't wanna do this anymore.

I don't want this to be real. I don't wanna make it real..if you get what I mean. It's a tiring process. That's why I wanna leave things the way they are. Selfish, I know. Sometimes I don't get myself either.

Perhaps I really am not trying in your eyes. Let's just leave it at that shall we? Cos I honestly don't see the point in arguing or trying to get you to understand what's on my mind.

As the raindrops fall..they tell a story.

2011-04-18T23:10:00.009+08:00

When we're crafted we're like that newly purchsed notebook that has not yet been scribbled on. Words are written slowly and gradually, and pages begin to fill. We observe entraces and exits - some unpleasant and some ineffably delightful. Smiles are witnessed, but not without the absence of numerous tear blotches, of course, that make the once crispy pages irrevocably soggy. Faces are etched on pages that we like to go back to every once in awhile on some sullen, lonely night when we're longing for company. We live with nostalgia for so long that we realise we'd be lonely without it.

People come. They scribble their story. They leave. It's a never ending cycle. We firmly believe we can hold on to the pleasure of having a certain someone's company for all eternity but we're naive. We realise that at the end of the day we're left just as we always were - alone and deprived of love. But our egos resist and we're fooled into thinking we can do no wrong as we begin to chase a different someone with the conviction of a zealot.

It's absurd how other people get to decide what our tale is going to look like; if it's going to have heart-shaped confetti sprinkled over every page or if it's going to look like the reflection of a morose, overcast sky. We realise we don't have much say in that but we suppress our thoughts. We think we're heroes. Heroes who can take over the world in the blink of an eye. Only till we're thwarted and foiled. Till we realise we're losing control and conveniently blame our destiny. We think at length of what could've been, of how different life could be only if we hadn't made that one decision. It breaks our heart, for it's a tad too late. That particular passage has already been penned. It's irremediable.

While we take our time to scan other people's tales, we're bound to compare them with ours. Some of us mull over the fact that we weren't all born with silver spoons in our mouths and wonder how other people are so in control of their stories regardless of our limited knowledge of their lives. We love to form opinions based on secondhand experiences. Opinions that are firm and are most likely never going to change. But we're fine with that. Only as long as it doesn't affect us.

Words continue to appear, paving way for either a fairytale or a heartrending tragedy or a blend of both. Those of us who are scarred with the calamitous silently wait for a twist of fate..for something to look forward to. While those of us who are blessed with bliss get busy carping..get consumed by the unsettling warp of what-ifs. We're all, at the end of the day, running after fantasies that are not likely ever to transpire. We're arrogant ingrates.

Hold on..

2011-04-08T00:38:00.003+08:00

When sadness was the sea, you were the one who taught me how to swim.

Now, how can you leave me in the middle of an ocean?

Poof

2011-03-25T01:14:00.010+08:00

No, I don't think you're a jerk. I prefer 'degrading-son-of-a-bitch-who-needs-a-reality-check'.

Saw my cuzzie posting this on facebook. And I realised it suited you perfectly. Yes, you. :)

Sigh

2011-03-19T21:01:00.002+08:00

I feel strange today. I don't feel at ease..like something's wrong..but I don't know what.

Mind's starting to overwork again, not a good thing. Frustrated. Sigh. I wish I could stop feeling this way, don't like it much.

The sleepless nights are back.

Warmth

2011-03-16T23:17:00.003+08:00

The room is filled with gently flickering candlelight

while entrancing scents waft through the air,

capturing the melodious voices, sparkling with laughter,

enchanted by the music that's caressing their soul.

And it's through this haze of shimmering warmth

that I watch you from a distance,

your movements, your lips,

your eyes that dance,

that stir awake a longing,

borne from the touch of long and hot nights

spent at the mercy of your love,

now teasing the edge of my consciousness,

driving a desire to own your flesh once again.

I watch, mesmerized, as your eyes lift, infinitely slow,

before locking my eyes with an intent gaze..

running invisible fingers lazily down my spine,

delivering promises.. bent on fulfilling,

the need that's written in my eyes...

Senses

2011-03-16T00:58:00.004+08:00

Why don’t you
run your fingers across my back
and
make every nerve inside me

light up?

♥

2011-03-11T17:14:00.006+08:00

Spectacular night! Truly an experience I will never forget. :) Here's hoping you stick to your promise! :D

I highly doubt any other entertainer can top this. Nevertheless, had an awesome night with Grace!

Fasten your seat belts and thank you for the beautiful journey you've taken me on. Now it's my turn to take you away for an evening.
- Michael Bublé

♥♥♥ :)

Fire

2011-03-10T17:59:00.002+08:00

I love the fire in you. Yes I do. My eyes seep right into you, deliciously.

Anger. I love it. It shapes itself so finely into your mortal frame. I fantasize the way it must touch you along the fine lines of your body. Fingers stroking the insides of your skin softy, simmering just under you there. Greedy fingers probing every inch of your body, looking for a weak spot to erupt and take you over completely in a mad rage.

I love your eyes the best because that's the place where the fire finally shows. Those cold eyes with a hard hitting gaze that sometimes pushes me off balance. I love that, sinfully. They pull me towards themselves and I give way, unravel. Something about them keep me hungry; you have a facade, and that facade is what I'm after.

And then...
Passion.

Heat.

Red.

Fire.

...you.

You make and you break. You pick it up and then you fling it across the table. Like our story set on fire, pages burn, the words spread into the air. You give wings to my words and off they fly. Ablaze. Burn. Ignite. Flames. And then, ashes. A man so unaware of his charms; and that makes it an almost humbling thought. I decide you are down to earth, even though I know you're not. I savour the combination and taste it. It suits my mood perfectly. Maybe I made it all up, but then again, how would you explain that fire? I need to have a reason for everything, so I weave my own.

I love playing with fire, taking it in the palms of my hand and moving it to and fro, coaxing it to burn brighter but not giving it a chance. It drops from my hand and gets a life of its own. I see it spread all over the place, flowing like water before my very eyes, seeping into every corner and nook and crack it comes across, filling it up, giving away a part of itself so generously till it makes its way to me. I think I almost burned. You burn me with your love. And then you burn me with your anger. I become the fuel to your fire and this is how we coexist. This is how I am your reason. This is how I set you on fire. This is how we create a new life. This is how it takes over everything. This is how we part, and combine. Time and again.

Strange?

I smiled widely. The devil is satisfied.

Raw

2011-03-06T22:08:00.002+08:00

Ringlets of smoke, lost in the beauty of entwining each other.
Then drifting apart, torn by their desire,
and the pre-ordained fate.
That we all meet..
Eventually..
but for the glory, for a few fleeting seconds;
is all that matters
in the end.

Gone

2011-02-24T20:38:00.002+08:00

Ice-cold desolation washes over me as I see the sand, blowing in waves across the cracked, deserted tarmac. And icy fingers tug at my hair, tearing and tangling the once smooth facade, while a bolt of lightning rips through the black storm clouds rushing this way... a world transformed in the blink of an eye, gone are the sunny skies and the impression of summer, removed in an instant by the harsh force that's winter's grip on my heart.

...bitter the taste of wasted years

spent in a state of illusion,

craftily woven with marked intent,

promises windblown and broken.

I can only hope it'll get better in time.

Goodbye. :)

2011-02-08T21:22:00.006+08:00

I never cease to amaze myself. Haha. I'm at peace with myself now. I've realised so much over the last few days. And no, I'm not kidding myself this time. I've really opened up my eyes. I can see things so clearly now.

If you were to ask me if I had ever loved you, I would say I never knew what love was. I still do not know for sure - I see that now.

I misunderstood, misjudged, and misspelled my feelings for you. It wasn't love. I don't even think I'd ever loved you, J. Perhaps I was merely in love with the idea of loving you. After having thought about every little aspect of my life and yours, I've finally come up to the conclusion that there will never be 'us'. We were never going to make a sound life together. We're just too different to understand each other.

I'm writing this in all my senses and I take complete responsibility of my words here. This isn't a joke or something that I would declare afterwards, meaningless. I mean each and every word of it.

I'm not feeling any hurt or pain right now, just a little lost since I'm so used to having you around. But I believe I will bounce back pretty soon because the ones I love are all behind me. The fact that I don't feel any hurt says something doesn't it? I was too attached to you. So much that I mistook it for love. And I'm sorry.

I tried to get along, and I'm sure you did too, very hard in fact, but deep down we both knew that I'm not your kind and you're not mine. I could never be truly happy with you, I realise that now, and that would eventually make the both of us a lot more unhappier than we already are. There is no chance of us ever being together again as a couple. Friends? Perhaps. In time to come.

And like what my best friend says, "take this as a learning journey". How very true. I've learned a lot about myself over this period of time, and I hope you have too.

I hope you still remember the things you once promised me. This would be the only thing I'd ask from you, in return of whatever good I've ever been to you. Do it for yourself, if not for me. I hope you've learned a lot about certain things through the past year, and try to practice them. Your temper would be on the top of the list.

Over the last few days I've had time to clear my mind and think about what I really want. I thought about my future, and I honestly couldn't see you in it no matter how hard I tried to. Not as my special one.

So, I thank you for all your time, your energy, your favours and your gifts. Thank you very much for putting up with me all this while. And also, I am very sorry for all the hurt and wrongs. But now it's all in the past, and there is nothing much I can do to make amends.

Should we never speak again after this, I wish you the best of luck and health. I sincerely hope you'll be happy someday, and not have to put up a front for the entire world to see. And I hope you find that special someone too in time to come. Goodbye, J. :)

Tough times

2011-02-06T16:55:00.002+08:00

I don't know how I'm going to do this, but I will walk out of this entire thing alive, and stronger than ever.

I just don't know when.

Silence

2011-01-27T18:49:00.002+08:00

Soft are the murmurs of the night..
Drifting from the shadows of the descending sun..
Probing your shell, slowly piercing
through the armour you've adeptly constructed through the day.
And resistance crumbles as the stars start to sparkle,
in the darkening sky that spreads its blanket over your soul.
And you break down and cry for the lost yesterdays..
For the tomorrows that may never be..
As the harsh truth dawns with the rising moon,
Leaving you alone, deserted, in a self-created exile,
In the silence of your being,
In the emptiness of your soul.

Obsession

2011-01-07T17:46:00.003+08:00

Can you feel the grip of obsession, draw into your skin, as you stand with your back to a bare brick wall in a darkened alleyway, giving in to fantasies meant to remain hidden forever.

Can you feel its strength; the power, as it gains control, demanding surrender with each fevered breath, threatening to burn you alive, or die, but submit you must - the choice is no longer yours to make.

You swallow your breath, your eyes start to close as you desperately seek these illicit sensations, for you are the puppet of a need, a desire, to sink in the dark world of raging compulsion, indescribable to those who have never experienced its insatiable greed, compulsive need and driving force, of free-falling into that black oblivion of a body, a mind, completely numb...

And here we go again!

2010-12-31T10:18:00.005+08:00

Last day of the year. It's been such a crazy year I can't even believe it's gonna be over in a matter of hours!

2010 has been a rollercoaster year, and it's been one hell of a ride. With school, friends, and my personal life..if 2009 was crazy, I honestly don't know what 2010 has been. Haha. I've been in and out of hell, figuratively speaking of cos.

I've had my dreams and certain beliefs crushed, but I wouldn't take them back for anything. I've grown and learnt a lot this year alone. One of the many things I've learned is that life doesn't always work out the way you want it to. I've used this phrase on a lot of friends and crappy situations, but I only understood the true meaning of it this year. So yes, cliche but true. =/

I realised the only way forward, was to change. Even if it meant shoving everything at the back of my mind. There wasn't any point holding on to the past..I struggled for a period of time, felt like a cougar cornered in a tree yearning to escape..but blocked by the barking dogs holding it at bay.. in my case the dogs was my mind. But I managed to get over it. Well, not completely but you get what I mean. :)

I love the feeling of a new year. It brings forth feelings of excitement and possibility. It is almost like a clean slate, a chance to start over. It is an opportunity to reassess and evaluate your life. I see it as a beautiful gift just waiting to be opened. So much lies ahead just waiting to be discovered..

How you experience and approach the new year, is completely dependent on your attitude and beliefs about what it means to you. So I've decided to let go of all the bad this year, and look forward to creating better memories for next!

Won't be out to usher in the new year, because of some last minute screw ups.. :(

Oh well! Here's hoping we'll all have a great year ahead of us! Cheerios! :D

*HUGZ*

Dreaming

2010-12-22T12:11:00.003+08:00

I once had a dream

Of happiness and joys

Of kisses and toys.

One fine morning

The bubble vanished

Ugly reality rose its head.

There lay my dream

Smashed, butchered.

Slaughtered heinously.

I walked over it.

Dragged by the moment.

Tearing me apart.

I gave a fake smile.

I had to move on,

In spite of a dead soul.

Sigh

2010-12-20T21:57:00.003+08:00

I have this strangest feeling. I am truly lost tonight.. Something has happened to me..something that I do not understand.

I am filled with contradictions. I don't know what to say. I feel like I've lost something of myself along the way. I am searching for tomorrow..but I am lost in yesterday..

Bam!

2010-12-19T08:16:00.001+08:00

Holy shitballs, Mom!

Hahahahha oh my goodness that cracked me up like seriously! Needed a boost for my day, and I got it. ;)

3 days!

Changes

2010-12-18T09:05:00.002+08:00

Sometimes I really wonder.. is it really such a bad thing to dream?

It keeps you going, no? But what happens when you finally achieve/attain something that you've always dreamed of having/experiencing, only to realise that it's not all fine and dandy..that it isn't even close to what you once dreamed about?

And there is nothing you can do but to accept that dreams will always remain as they are - dreams.

Hello again.

2010-11-25T14:59:00.002+08:00

Hello, Happiness. Tell me where you've been.. I missed the sound of your voice, I missed the touch of your skin.

It's no secret - I'm not who I used to be.

Anyone can see, you're the difference in me. :)

The painter

2010-10-05T23:03:00.003+08:00

He paints me. I’m a fantasy – a delusion, yet he paints me. He believes I’m an angel. Pure. Untouched. Gentle. Unrealistically fabulous. He has not known me. Just felt me. I’m his muse. The diva. The gift of his life.

What he does not know is I’m a deception.

I can kill but not create.

I’m a mirage.

*****

I'm starting to feel something for writing again. It's a good thing I guess. :)

Her..as told by Him. :)

2010-10-04T17:44:00.000+08:00

I pray for the lights to go out again.

I could see her luminous eyes in the candlelight. My mind went blank and my heart skipped a beat. Her visage seemed lovelier now. Nature was speechless to see her like this. She was talking nonchalantly all this time. I had decided - she was all mine.

Thus began a magnificent tale..

Bittersweet symphony

2010-09-24T11:32:00.000+08:00

Somewhere along the road on which we used to walk,
Someone had planted a memory.
The memory lay concealed in a tiny cardboard box,
Until the rain came and washed away the memory.

There are so many memories tucked away in some corner of our hearts..which we do not want to remember, or which we could conveniently like to forget. Some good, some bad, some bitter, some sweet..but is it really possible to forget them?

I was thinking about this yesterday and realised that there's not a thing that I have forgotten..I remember them all..the good, the bad, the bitter, the sweet - all of them! It's just that I need to search deep within my heart and look for that particular record which I want to play. Somewhat like viewing the memory in a pensieve(people who have seen Harry Potter will know what I mean).

I wonder how many of us actually do that..I do it when I'm all alone, sitting and reflecting at the times passed by. Remembering the people, the places and the instances which I felt I had forgotten long ago..

LOVE :)

2010-09-10T10:33:00.000+08:00

Happy birthday Stephanie Poh! LOVE YOU VERY THE MUCHY. :D

Can't wait to see you! Hahahah. Well well well, what can I say? It's been an awesome 7 years of being your friend, your wife, your greatest pal! Sure, I have plenty of friends that I can talk to and laugh with, but none of them can ever come close to you!

You're the woman I run to when I'm upset, happy, random, bored, or just plain high. You're also the crazy woman who's willing to listen to me whine and rant even when you know I have no intention to do anything about my problems..I really appreciate the fact that you've always been there for me. It's easy to find a friend, but it's really hard to find someone who'll stand by you no matter what, someone who doesn't judge you even when you're doing all the horrible things that you shouldn't.

There was a period of time when I was very confused, and doing really selfish things, but you kept telling me no matter what my decision was, you'd always be on my side. I can't even begin to tell you how it feels knowing that you'll always be there to catch me, and get me back on my feet again when I stumble and fall.

Over the years I believe you and I have seen certain friendships falling apart and people who were once extremely close, drifting apart from each other, turning into total strangers. I'm glad that didn't happen to us after we graduated! In fact, we've become a lot closer over the years don't you think? Haha, not to mention you're the only person in this whole wide world I can be so open to with my thoughts and everything. It would've been such a shame if we'd drifted apart now wouldn't it? :)

All in all, today's the day you turn 19, enjoy your day and I'll see you really soon! (enjoy your day with Leon ah. :p)

p/s The photo has a special meaning. I am very sure you know what it means, HAHA! Here's hoping it comes true ok! LOVE!

Now

2010-09-06T10:09:00.000+08:00

You know how when you were a little kid and you believed in fairytales, that fantasy of what your life would be, white dress, prince charming who would carry you to a castle on a hill. You would lie in bed at night and close your eyes and you had complete and utter faith.

Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, Prince Charming, they were so close you could taste them. But eventually you grow up, one day you open your eyes and the fairytale disappears. Most people turn to the things and people they can trust. But thing is it's hard to let go of that fairytale entirely cos almost everyone has that smallest bit of hope, of faith, that one day they will open their eyes and it will come true.

At the end of the day faith is a funny thing. It turns up when you don't really expect it. It's like one day you realise that the fairytale may be slightly different than you dreamed. The castle, well, it may not be a castle. And it's not so important happy ever after, just that it's happy right now. See, once in awhile, once in a blue moon, people will surprise you. And once in awhile, people may even take your breath away. :)

Pfft

2010-09-02T08:56:00.001+08:00

Don't tell me you agree with me, when I saw you kicking dirt in my eye.

Time

2010-08-30T13:40:00.001+08:00

I feel very trapped. In a race against time, who do you reckon is gonna emerge victorious? Hah, what am I even talking about. The answer's pretty obvious.

So much has happened over the last few months. Both the good and bad. How should I summarise everything that has happened? Where do I even begin? This is slowly eating me alive..

Lately I've been starting to realise I'm losing my passion for writing.. Words fail me each time I try and express myself in this pathetic portal of mine.. Perhaps it's all the stress in me taking over..

I hope it's gonna be a temporary thing.

Random

2010-08-10T18:39:00.000+08:00

"Love's not blind - it's retarded!"

- Charlie Harper, Two and a Half Men

Classic. :)

Moving forward.

2010-08-02T16:27:00.002+08:00

It's so hard having to realise that your beliefs can no longer stay in your life anymore. Not if you want to move forward. The only way out is to let go of them.. but that in itself is a very painful and tiring process. Especially when you have to let go of the very things you've held so close to your heart all your life..

I need to start letting go of the things I strongly believed in..but it's so hard, sometimes I feel like a part of me has died..because these beliefs have been a part of me..they make up who I am. Losing them would be like losing a little of myself.. For better or worse? I don't have a clue, really.

I need time, plenty of it. I'm not too sure where I'm heading towards right now, nothing's really clear..everything's a blur.

My mind's in such a whirl right now I can't even type properly... But I will get over this - I don't know how, but I will.

But is there some place far away, some place where all is clear? Easy to start over with the ones you hold so dear.. Or are you left to wonder all alone, eternally? This isn't how it's really meant to be..no, it isn't how it's really meant to be. And I'm left to carry on and wonder why.. sometimes I think I must've done something to piss the big guy up there.

Even through it all, I'm always on your side.

Midnight oil

2010-07-27T20:32:00.003+08:00

Sigh. Procrastination really doesn't get you anywhere now does it.

Crazy report due in 2 days. And here I am rushing, when I had months to do it. =x

Not alone though. Found plenty of others who have yet to even start. All hope is not lost! :D

But.. I'm gonna need a lot more than just a cup of coffee to get through tonight..

I'm gonna need this much!

Dreams..

2010-07-24T10:42:00.001+08:00

Had a dream last night. Just woke up not too long ago, so I'm gonna write it dowm before I forget the details. :)

My eyes lit up as he swayed me to the music. In a split second, I discovered the fire in me, lighting up my very existence, with dreams, new possibilites, a new flair.. He held my hand softly, and I felt like a painter's masterpiece. It was how I knew arts; art always came from a place within you that was the purest. And it came to you as a gift, something that you don't define, but only express, in various forms.

He made me feel like a piece of art. I felt like a thousand colours, all bright and beautiful, captivating, mesmerizing, enchanting. The colors that spoke to me each day, I was one of them now; a dazzling red one moment, a soothing blue the other, gentle as white, a sophisticated pink the other, yellow with a tinge of orange like the bright sun, a seductive black, a peaceful green the other...

I laughed, and the sound of my laughter broke into a thousand little pieces that he said were like music to his ears, dancing around us, making the rhythms stronger, the air more dreamy. I suddenly knew passion with innocence, the distance that came with being close, knowing yourself completely for a moment, losing yourself completely to someone.

...and then I got so pissed when I eventually woke up from this lovely dream. Wanted to escape for a little while longer! :(

Poof

2010-07-21T17:46:00.002+08:00

Somewhere along the way, I started losing faith..it did not happen overnight..it happened gradually over a period of time. I don't know when or how it happened..but it just did.

And no, I do not understand. I do not understand at all.

Slavery

2010-07-19T09:01:00.003+08:00

As I lay myself to sleep, I wonder. From the day we are born, we become slaves to something, someone, somewhere down the line.

Slaves. Yes, that's what we are, however much you may try to deny that. Raped by life's seduction, manipulated by a family system, controlled by desire, driven by dreams, hungered by power, satiated by hope, chased by society, stopped by a milestone only to find a new one being born...and the cycle repeats.

Slaves don't rest. They run until they become the run...and they don't even realise it. You may say this is life and if there isn't any 'chase' there's no fun in it. Fair enough. But why do we always have to be slaves to something in order for life to be LIVED?

That's because we are also slaves to our minds. We are slaves to our ego, greed, jealousy, desire...we are slaves to our families, religions, careers, beliefs etc...we are slaves to others and to ourselves. Prisoners of self and society. Beaten by rules, punished by the system, bound by the chains of expectations, we are the slaves of slaves.

We claim we're doing great in life but have we ever stepped out of this jail? Have we ever fed a hungry man and felt good about it? Have we ever climbed a mountain and kissed the skies? Have we ever learnt to let go and be free? Nah, cos it's all about us isn't it?

Cos all we care is about us...our life...our wants..our dreams. A fear of being alone, a fear being left out, a fear of being a fish outta water, a fear of rejection somehow drives us to be locked...to be behind bars...to be trapped by the venom of glory that kills the passion and freedom..for ideas to be controlled.

Humans are silly creatures wandering around longing to be desired, wanting to be wanted, screaming to be heard, ending up as mere slaves of one another.

Raped by life yet thriving with those scars. We are self-made slaves. I'm a prisoner of my existence. Are you? Cos I know I'm not the only one.

Shush

2010-07-04T18:54:00.003+08:00

So what do I do now? Do I pretend like everything's all right in my mind and slap on a big fake smile for the world to see? I need to learn to let go. I thought I was getting better at it. But my stupid mind loves messing with me. Sigh.

Masquerade

2010-07-02T12:30:00.008+08:00

I'm so happy, I'm so at peace, I'm so independent, I'm so unaffected yadda yadda yadda...enough of that, take off your mask now...take a good look at yourself in the mirror. Are you all that you claim to be? Are you the identical twin of your mask or were you fooling yourself and everyone else right along? What do you look like? Nowhere close to what you think you are right? I know it my friend.

How many of us pretend to be what we are really not? How many of us wear masks to fool our loved-ones when inside we are really someone else? I understand some people wear masks just to be happy for the sake of their family and friends. A person I know 'acts' like she has never been wrong in her life when actually that's her biggest mistake.

That's an egoistic situation and I still forgive her.. I know that all of us have at least a tad bit of pretence in us...otherwise we can't be human. But what bothers me are the people who wear masks to suit the situation, to fool the world. People who go around as if nothing affects them, as if they live in a perfect world, as if nothing can go wrong for them, as if everyone else is wrong and as if people who are genuinely emotional are idiots - only because they don't want to show how scared they are to admit the truth. How deceitful and weak is that?

These people usually start falling apart at some stage in their lives.

I bet it is hard to find an everlasting mask and that's why such people never fail to fail at the end of it all. All masks fall off at some stage and along with it dies your little fairytale world.

But you know what, it doesnt really affect me...it is your soul that dwells upon masks that will be lost one day. Don't come back crying for I don't have a shoulder that can stand your fake tears anymore.

I have run out of praise for your lies...I have forgotten your features...I have no smiles for the painted faces...I don't want to waste my emotions on watercolours and plastic...I'm tired of visiting your sand castles...I'm too real to welcome your camouflage.

I know you take your mask off every night and sit in a corner crying your lungs out. Only because you are too afraid of what you have become. Too afraid that your real self won't be able to match your mask. Too disappointed by the mirage that you are. Too much of a pretence that you don't seem to want to know the pathway to reality...because it's too long a path, and embedded with rejection, tears, humiliation and smirks.

Not that you aren't getting any right now. ;)

But that path is what will lead you to your real self...that is the path that will set you free...that is the path where no masks need to be worn. Through fear and rejection and what-not, you will never be fooling yourself again...you will never have to hide again and there will be no confusions about what part to play and when. For you will remain who you are, you won't wear out like the masks. That way when you lose, you will lose gracefully. And if you win, you will win truthfully.

So take it off, welcome to the ugly world and 'face' your fears and challenges. Don't hide behind a mask, for faking anything is the worst crime ever.

Shut it

2010-06-25T17:54:00.000+08:00

I seriously need my mind to just shut the hell up. It keeps throwing so many thoughts my way. I can't breathe! The repeated thoughts are the worst. Because I don't have an answer for them, and it keeps going on and on... Grr.

There are too many thoughts in my head..sometimes I can't even hear myself thinking.. I can't analyse anything in my head anymore. Senses working overtime..

An ode

2010-06-14T09:10:00.017+08:00

It's right there, in front of my eyes. I can see it, feel it, hear it. It's in my hands. It's your heart...pounding, fighting to live, to breathe...to see another day.

It's bleeding but it's still beating. Not yet dead, but not alive either. Your pain is in my hands. I can feel it but I feel useless. I just stand and stare at how your heart is struggling in my hands, your life beckoning to me.

I try to bend your pain, but there are no shortcuts for that...pain is one long freeway that isn't really free. It costs you your heart and soul, but there's nothing that can be done.

There's so much left to learn but not enough time. There's so much left to see, but not enough sun.

I wish I could take your pain away and make you smile. Wish I could catch you when you fall. I wanna be your breath. I wanna let you live. I wanna be the air that you breathe...the courage in your will to live...the wings in your prison. I wanna be that last few pangs of life that's left in you.

I wanna be the red in your black...the life in your death.

- An ode to my broken spirit.

He who walks alone..

2010-06-13T17:26:00.002+08:00

Whoever said that being alone is the only time you can truly be yourself, and that our best companion ever is solitude, is a very wise person. The one who sees true beauty and the magic behind this life may sometimes have to walk alone..it's a fact.

And all the misery in us stem from our inability to be alone, our constant need to be heard, wanted and understood. Why does it bother us what others think? No one will understand you fully..we all walk alone. Not everyone will walk with you and neither will you walk with everyone else. We have friends and foes during the day, but at night we are alone, staring at the dark blue seas in complete solitude.

Caught up with the illusion of 'bonds' that don't last anyway..we continue to be mangled in the misery of wanting company, looking for our thoughts to be validated and our hearts to be recognised.

The only question I have is.. why?

Coin Tossing

2010-05-31T11:56:00.005+08:00

Found this picture while surfing for something... It's kinda true isn't it?

Questions without answers

2010-05-21T20:00:00.003+08:00

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know that the batteries are gone?

Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know that there is not enough?

What is the speed of darkness?

Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up every two hours?

Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?

Why do people pay to go up to tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Why do toasters always have a setting so high that can burn the toast into a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their bum when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why does your obstetrician, gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made frmo vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive any faster?

Talk me down

2010-05-20T08:23:00.001+08:00

Sometimes, words just aren't enough to express how you feel.

Some heartfelt emotion creeping from deep inside.. I don't know what it is, and it's scaring me.

I think it's alright for now. I guess I've already made my decision.. I'm becoming a little like Stephanie Poh - fickle-minded.

Plenty of assignments and projects to complete this week. Looking forward to the weekend..shall relax a little then. :)

Got a presentation in a few hours.. I seriously think hospitality management stinks. How am I gonna score for the upcoming common tests! Sigh :(

Sigh

2010-05-15T10:06:00.002+08:00

I keep trying to find my way.. but everywhere I go I get so confused.

An Engraved Trail

2010-05-09T18:56:00.000+08:00

A tear falls down a lonely cheek, kissing it and embracing it for all the lonely times it spent. The tear runs along that cheek and draws a path of its own..leaving a trail for another tear to follow. These cheeks have not known anyone warmer than those tears. Those tears have been its friend or else the pent-up sorrow would have made it give up.

If tears were a river, then these cheeks are its banks. And if these cheeks were the sands then those tears are the ocean. The rivers and the oceans never sleep. Likewise these tears never stop falling. The banks and the sands never battle with the waters. Likewise the cheeks never stop the tears from falling. They welcome them with glee and let them flow with vigour and freedom. It's not weak to cry, it's not silly to express pain and sorrow. It's not bad to let tears free.

If tears are the only ones who really understand your pain, why not let them help you out? Let them flow and let them kiss your cheeks because at least they ease your pain and never leave you all alone.. You just have to call them and they're with you. These lonesome cheeks have always known the trail of a good friend named tears. Life can't be without that friend anymore cos only these cheeks haev the engraved path it travels.

State of mind

2010-05-04T11:50:00.003+08:00

I don't even know where to begin. I'm a mess right now, and I sure as hell ain't gonna be okay anytime soon. Not by a long shot.

I thought I'd made peace with my decision.. Guess not. :(

Life is such a delicate yet complicated thing don't you think? There's no such thing as a 'right' or 'wrong' choice. What you deem fit may not appear so in another's eyes. Likewise a person may do something considered completely crazy in your opinion but that's just their way of life.

I've tried to comprehend the actions of the people around me.. I've been trying really hard to understand what goes on in their heads when they do what they do.

Obviously I can't because like what Yun Tong says, I wouldn't be human if I could achieve that.

I'm not saying that I'm a saint because I'm definitely not one..but I'm not a horrible person either..

It's easy for others to judge you based on what you've done; because they haven't gone through the thoughts you'd struggled with before you even came to that decision, so how can they possibly even begin to understand the pain and frustration you must have felt then?

Okay, I'm blogging from my itouch. Gotta go for another lecture now..shall continue ranting when I have the time..been busy as hell lately.. Sigh. Life stinks.

Beyond breaking

2010-04-18T20:06:00.003+08:00

Last night I couldn't sleep..the insomniac in me decided to pay me a visit(again) and I was wide awake while everyone in town was fast asleep. My mind wandered, wandered to the distant past when I slept in peace, without a care...a child with happy dreams and a world waiting to unravel before me. What have I become?

Over the years, I have turned into a restless, sleep-deprived, hopeless junkie of some sorts. Now I wanna run away from that same world I so anticipated. Something is eating me alive. And I don't know what it is.

Maybe I lost my way. Maybe I have become immune to what most people call building a future or living a 'normal' life is. I don't know what I'm waiting for. Neither do I know what keeps me going somehow.

Sometimes I feel this is all a bore, a pseudo drama that needs to be staged in order to get by..to be equal, to be accepted. But why do I even have to get by? Who am I trying to impress? Why do I even have to?

I was feeling pretty dumb..pretty ridiculous..pretty useless and pretty small. What am I? No wait, what the hell am I?

It's all such a joke and all the people are playing a dumb game. Isn't life rather funny? The things we do, the way we take the smallest of things and put them on a pedestal and worship them. The way we spend a lifetime chasing something that may not matter at all in the end. The way we give importance to the silliest of things that somehow keeps us hooked at the cost of other things. The way we pretend, the way we just float, the way we walk around in pieces.

I saw myself trying to piece together a million shattered pieces of me. And I also saw myself being afraid of breaking again. You cannot break something that's already broken, can you? I laughed at myself. Then I fell asleep.

Skin the sun,
fall asleep.
Wish away,
soul is cheap.
Lesson learned,
wish me luck.
Soothe the burn,
wake me up.

Frustration

2010-04-16T23:51:00.000+08:00

I think about the days when I was younger and how my dad used to give me a hug and assure me that everything was going to be alright when things were going horribly wrong..back when things were so much simpler.

I wish he could do that now.

But this isn't something that will go away even if he does assure me that it will, because I know it won't. I have to resolve this on my own and no one can help me. My dad won't be able to understand this..

I know you guys are trying to help and pull me out of this shithole that I've dug and fallen so deep into..and I appreciate it, really. I couldn't ask for greater pals.

The question is - do I have the strength to start climbing out now?

Temptation

2010-04-16T15:10:00.003+08:00

Ever felt like making a very rash decision/choice at some point of time in your life, and not want to think about the consequences?

I am so very tempted to make one silly mistake right now.

I used to think it was nothing, and that I could ignore it.

I guess I'm just not that strong anymore. I think my patience has been stretched too thin...I've been trying to not mess up. I'm trying to be the bigger person here.

I'm still 18. I'm not a kid, but well, I'm not exactly an adult either. Yeah I know that's a really silly excuse..I know a person's maturity doesn't necessarily link up to their age..

Why is it that some people are allowed to make silly mistakes in their life and I'm not? Okay, maybe I can, but I choose not to.. I mean, it's supposed to make me a better/happier person, right? But why is it that all I can feel right now are despair and frustration?

I wanna make rash decisions, but I also wanna be able to look back and laugh at them.

But that is not who I am, and I probably won't look back and laugh at this particular mistake...I'd be cringing at the very thought of it.. The aftermath isn't gonna be pretty.

Sigh, I'm just frustrated. I don't even know what I plan on doing. I can no longer recognise the person staring back at me in the mirror anymore.

Bummed

2010-04-12T20:17:00.003+08:00

I've been thinking a lot lately. And I realise that I've been clinging on to hope.

Yes, hope is vital..but with hope..comes pain.

Perhaps it's time to let go?

Thanks

2010-03-31T12:13:00.002+08:00

Thank you for listening to me whine like a crazy bitch and putting up with all my crap. Thank you for not judging me based on what I've told you. Thank you for trying to talk me to my senses even though it didn't really work for we both knew that I was clear headed enough to know what I should've done. Thank you for continuing to talk to me even though you knew it was pointless and we'd be back at square one after the chat was over. =/

I know you mean well, but sometimes..it's really hard.

I will do something about it, I just don't know when I'm going to start. Hopefully soon? :)

Thanks for being such a good pal! *hugz*

Hmm.

2010-03-22T18:43:00.002+08:00

I hate that we can never be sure about what's going to happen in the future. I hate that when we make a decision, we can never find out what could have been if we'd chosen the other path. Why can't we just have the best of both worlds?

Sure, you might be happy with your decision, but there will be times when you'd wonder about what could've been, no?

Dancing with myself.

I am...

2010-03-18T15:22:00.002+08:00

I'm the angel, I'm the devil.
I'm the drought, I'm the river.
I'm the lamp, I'm the darkness.
I'm the water, I'm the flames.
I'm the lock, I'm the keys.
I'm the dancer, I'm the lame.
I'm the mute, I'm the singer.
I'm the wedding, I'm the funeral.
I'm the loner, I'm the group.
I'm the charm, I'm the dull.
I'm the disease, I'm the cure.
I'm the sound, I'm the silence.
I'm the pit, I'm the ladder.
I'm the shawl, I'm the naked.
I'm the teacher, I'm the student.
I'm the chair, I'm the standing.
I'm the blue, I'm the colourless.
I'm the greedy, I'm the giver.
I'm the child, I'm the mother.
I'm the sinner, I'm the saint.
I'm the lucky, I'm the damned.
I'm the ocean, I'm the lake.
I'm the sweet, I'm the sour.
I'm the shelter, I'm the blow.
I'm the tear, I'm the smile.
I'm the wine, I'm the poison.
I'm the friend, I'm the enemy.
I'm the maker, I'm the destroyer.
I'm the soldier, I'm the coward.
I'm the hunger, I'm the food.
I'm the sword, I'm the pen.
I'm the book, I'm the reader.
I'm the tea, I'm the cup.
I'm the real, I'm the memory.
I'm the broken, I'm the glue.
I'm the flower, I'm the bee.
I'm the guitar, I'm the audience.
I'm the cradle, I'm the grave.

I am many but I'm just one. It is I who choose to be the many that I am. I'm the reason, I'm the result.

Just a thought

2010-03-11T18:10:00.002+08:00

What do you suppose babies dream of before they open their eyes, before they have any memories?

Changes

2010-03-08T15:49:00.005+08:00

Gotta shake myself up here.
I should run away, run away..run away
People say don't even go near.
I can see the danger, I'm aware - I see the danger.

If I go back once again it's like I learned nothing.
I'm standing at the front of the queue, heading for trouble..

It's like a record going round..
Yeah this is going around, going around..going around..
I know I should wanna take it all.
But I find it hard.
Why do I find it hard?

I used to have a vision of me sitting somewhere up there,
looking down on myself doing right..

For once in my life, it changes.
Hope my life changes,
Gets alright, somehow..
Oh, I'm waiting for tomorrow.
I hope it changes,
Can't just stay the same..
Been out of luck for so long..
And I don't get much, so there's nothing much to lose.

Just need a break - a little one.
To get me, to watch the sun.
And hey, it's peaceful here..

Defy

2010-02-27T15:44:00.004+08:00

Something has changed within me,
Something is not the same.

I'm through with playing by the rules of someone else's game.
Too late for second guessing.
Too late to go back to sleep.
It's time to trust my instincts..
Close my eyes, and leap!

It's time to try defying gravity
I think I'll try defying gravity
Kiss me goodbye, I'm defying gravity,
and you won't bring me down!

I'm through accepting limits,
cos someone says they're so.
Some things I cannot change,
but till I try, I'll never know!
Too long I've been afraid of losing love I guess I've lost.
Well, if that's love, then it comes at much too high a cost.

I'd sooner buy defying gravity,
kiss me goodbye, I'm defying gravity.

Indecisive

2010-02-22T19:34:00.002+08:00

Sometimes I wonder, why do I continue doing something even when I know karma's gonna come back and bite me in the ass?

Bummed

2010-02-05T20:41:00.004+08:00

Think of the million random choices that you make, and yet how each and every one of them brings you closer to your destiny.

Do you know why that is?

Because it's not random, it's not chance. It is a plan that is playing itself out perfectly.

Free will's an illusion, Dean.

- Michael, Supernatural

I couldn't agree more.

Amusing

2010-02-04T18:04:00.002+08:00

I know of someone who copied a bunch of stuff another person said, and claims that they're her own. I find this highly amusing.

Do yourself a favour, and stop calling others a fake, when you're the real poser. :)

And to you, if you don't wanna talk to me, and you don't wanna care about my life, then why are you still visiting my blog? I know you still come on here to check on me every now and then. You know who you are. :)

Randomness

2010-01-31T16:45:00.005+08:00

Yet.

I have to wake up and fight,
I have to try and feel the right.

Winds can either be for or against,
but it depends on the direction, whence;
We can face or walk along,
and that's known, when you see right or wrong.

The sun shall rise forever.
And so should I.
I have a heart, a conscience.
Act like I should and never to let it depend.

So I stir my emotions,
and redraw illusions.
The broken walls resurface;
Assumptions, again, form the base.

I carry my grit and perception.
I walk towards alleviation.
Of the past, as it was,
and for a future with a cause.

And this shall go on,
for awhile, as long.
Water can defy gravity,
by losing it's liquidity.

Walls, boundaries, can move,
but a set field is needed too.
Air I breathe,
and that is what life needs.

Fresh and alive,
oxygenated and right.
And all this rose.
For right now I choose.

Again, I will.
For I have the will.
Nothing remains still.
And so I will move the still.

Waiting

2010-01-28T15:33:00.000+08:00

Come February 2nd 2010, one of the best tv series ever made will be back for its final season. And I for one, simply cannot wait! :)

:)

2010-01-16T17:41:00.000+08:00

A very wise quote from Melodee..

When your life gives you shit, make a chocolate milkshake out of it and give it to your enemies.

Hahahhaha, this is funny man! You really brightened up my day with just that. Thanks babe!

Random

2010-01-08T19:51:00.000+08:00

It's only been a few days into the new year and the problems are already starting to pour in..

Why oh why?

Really tired of all the politics and everything. I shall lock myself up over the weekend and be available to no one but myself.

I try, I think, and I wonder where all of this is heading to. I honestly have no clue.

I think what I really need now is a change. Yes, a change. Change is good. Maybe it'll take away all my troubles.

This post is so random but I don't really care...

So many things on my mind, most of which are jumbled up...I need some me-time to sort out my thoughts like I used to..but lately time hasn't been one of my friends..

I desperately need to sort my thoughts out, because I've been pushing away so many issues that come to my mind for far too long. They're starting to trouble me.

I'll be free tomorrow though. Looking forward to it. Finally, some time to myself in the midst of the ongoing madness.. I might actually blog about some of those thoughts...if I'm not too tired that is. I seriously miss writing.

After all that has happened, I can't help but wonder. I have so many doubts. So many questions that have been left unanswered. I guess the only person who can help me out now is God eh.

Whatever it is, I believe I'll get through everything with just a little more faith.

Just gotta have a little more faith.. :)

Life lessons

2009-12-31T14:12:00.003+08:00

Today is the last day of 2009! Time REALLY flies. I still feel like it's 2008, and when I was writing about the last day of 2008...

2009 has been just as special a year as 2008 was for me. 2009 marked the beginning of a brand new chapter in my life. Everyone headed to different schools, made new friends, learned new stuff, and grew up a little more. I for one, learned a lot more about myself and grew up in many ways over those 365 days and nights.

The three golden lessons I learned in 2009, are still the three golden lessons I learnt last year, only in a harsher way.

1) Never believe an ounce of what people are telling you about others until you yourself find out the whole truth.
2) Sweet-sounding does not always mean sweet person, and unfortunately that may take a long time to figure out.
3) People that care about you will continue to care about you no matter what, the rest will vanish over time and space.

I met a whole bunch of new friends in Ngee Ann, and in the first semester I was somewhat happy, but I didn't feel whole. It just didn't feel..right. The pals I made in semester one weren't exactly like the friends I made in secondary school. I had to constantly remind myself that not everyone was that simple after going through a little hell. Sure, I met a bunch of nice people there, but I also met a few people who were/are my "friends" simply because they wanted to gain something out of me.

I've met people from all walks of life this year. And it's really been an eye opener. I think I'm a pretty lucky kid. I've also seen people who are so full of themselves..selfish, ignorant pricks.

There's one pest in particular, who just won't leave me alone, even after I switched classes. Thought I'd gotten rid of this particular person when I switched classes. But God decided he hasn't had enough fun with me. He decided to place this particular person in my IS class. And this person later went to to be in my group. Hooray for me!

Now I have to smile and joke with this person even when this person keeps making horrible remarks all the time. Simply because I do not want things to be awkward when we're doing our projects together. My friends have told me to tell this person off, but I won't. Because I refuse to be just like this person. I shall live and let live. :)

Also, it was through this that I actually found out who my true friends were. So I don't regret anything.

I switched classes in semester 2, and was dreading making new friends all over again. But guess what? I've never been happier! I've made a few friends whom I know will stick by my side, and stand by me no matter what happens.

I feel like I've really grown up this year. I've seen so many things and I've been through so much this entire year, I can't even believe it's actually going to be over!

Although 2009 has been an exhausting year, with so much of my energy getting drained by schoolwork, projects and other stuff, I wouldn't trade the experiences for anything. I'm glad I lived through all these emotions, and I'm thankful I never once looked back. I may have questioned myself a few times over the year on whether or not my sacrifices were worth it, but deep down I knew I'd never give up. I may have thought about giving up a few times but I knew that at the end of the day, that'd only be a thought, because I am so much stronger than that.

I've cut off certain ties with a few friends, lost a few good ones, but in the process forged new and stronger friendships.

2009 has indeed been a very special year in my life. A year that made me take many new steps ahead for my own personal development. I learned to bite my tongue and bear the pain somehow when I couldn't take it anymore.. I watched as my heart was being ripped apart in the open, yet I stood there watching it all and coping with it all somehow. And I walked out of it alive, stronger and able than before, and that's all that matters somehow.

Am heading out to meet the crazies soon to usher in the new year, looking forward to it! :)

I'm not going to make any resolutions this year because I've never followed them through.. But I'm going to make sure that 2010 is going to be another memorable year.

Here's hoping for a better year! Cheerios! ;)

Thoughts

2009-12-29T13:35:00.000+08:00

Laugh.
I wear no masks.
I can feel the breath.

I float, I exist.
Yet surreal is this reality.
Is this real?

Threads of attachment,
the longing dreams.
Strange propositions,
paths completely different.

I search for colours,
that can be used to paint the masks.
But the taint, seems to stay in vain.

I have no words.
I have a sense of hope, alone.
I know better worlds, and live in them.
Yet here it turns stiff.

I can hear you far away.
But you don't seem to have a face.
Is this a stance,
which I have to bear for long?

I listen within,
I search, search,
look and finally in despair,
hope.

But I know,
this is a passing.
And when the sun speaks,
clarity will be seen.

And strife, driven away.
But now an angst, seems to seize.

I carry it along, in belief,
that bitter is a taste as well.

But where?
All it takes, is a left and another left,
to undo a right.
Knowledge does cause a fright.

But this seeming negativity,
is as marginal as a node.
But real or not, it does exist.
As if existence is a guarantee.

I hope everything evaporates.
And I alone condense.
Sans the condescending plight.

And when I am so formed,
I will fall upon and rise like the tides.
In knowledge, that every up has a down.

And when the shore is flooded,
nothing does matter.
Comrades, do try to appease.
And there born is a belief.

But if this thought is on premises,
then in the land of virtues and vices,
I seek one common wisdom.

I stand upon,
I see, I speak,
I exist, because I think.

Christmas

2009-12-26T16:31:00.002+08:00

Met up with Asyraf and Stephanie to celebrate Christmas together yesterday. :)

But Guannie backed out last minute. :(

Had a really good time though. Gossipping, bitching, shopping and stuff! We wanted to go explore but SOMETHING cropped up and basically wasted our time. =/ (I shall not be as bitchy as Asyraf! :p)

Asyraf and I turned anti-social yesterday too! Haha.

Spent the day at Orchard but by 7+ it was so packed, people weren't even looking at the decorations, everyone was busy trying to push through... Not a very pleasant experience if you ask me.

So, we decided to head over to Marina. It was much better there. :)

Grabbed some food before heading over to the open area outside the Esplanade to chill. Saw a little groom and bride! Haha, they were really adorable!

And then Asyraf started singing(as usual, *rolls eyes*) to the songs the band was playing. Hahaha. Stayed for the second gig but left after 5 minutes cos it wasn't really that good.. walked around, took photos. I think we started heading back at around 11 or close to 11, but got lost. Lol. Thank god for Asyraf! :D

Reached home at 12am...forgot to bring my iTouch out so if Stephanie didn't talk to me on the phone, I think I would've died of fright during the walk home alone.. haha.

It was a tiring day but I enjoyed it, because I was with my pals, and like what they always say, it's the company that matters, right? ;)

Hope everyone had a great Christmas this year! I know I did! :)

Love!

Hmm

2009-12-21T22:26:00.005+08:00

I try to reflect,
but my mind refuses to flex.
Sometimes, a second lasts for a decade;
yet hours can turn into minutes.

Consciousness is in a state
whose allegiances are not frail.
Everything exists because everyone thinks it does.

What if nothing does exist?
What is all of this anyway?

Confused? Maybe.
But what is clarity anyway?
"Pure water"? How is it pristine?

So we perceive. So we do.
Only wished we had a better imagination.

Life

2009-12-15T20:15:00.001+08:00

I'm sorry I grew up.

Play on

2009-12-11T20:16:00.003+08:00

Even when the floodgates swing wide open,
never let the current take you down.
Even when you're not sure where you're going,
swimming through a mess and you can't get out..
Just going through the motions,
trying not to drown..

Play on, when you're losing the game.
Play on, cos you're gonna make mistakes.
It's always worth the sacrifice,
even when you think you're wrong.
So, play on.

Even through a storm on the darkest night,
don't you ever give up the fight..
Even when you feel you're all alone..
Play on.

Random

2009-10-08T23:16:00.007+08:00

Woman! I was looking through the photos I took of your birthday card just now..and I realised something.

Compared to Asyraf, Gillian and Kit Guan's handwriting...

Mine like very ugly hor? =(

But then again, I think Kit Guan's is not much better off. :D

Beauty

2009-10-02T18:20:00.008+08:00

I've been thinking about how much one's soul is like the butterfly..it has the wings and it's free to fly, only if it's given a chance. The butterfly flies freely with no aimed direction, but it flies anyway. It just wanders away so gracefully...sometimes it gets chased by people who try to catch it, sometimes it rests on a leaf in heavy storms and rains..sometimes its wings break and it falls down..just like the soul.

Sometimes we get distracted by many obstacles in life such as sickness, the loss of a loved one and bad times.. Sometimes others try to make our lives more difficult and stop us from going ahead. Some friends let you down and you feel hopeless about tomorrow..but whose life is free of pain? Life doesn't always give you the answers. Your soul is the butterfly you are holding from flying free - holding from healing and growth. Give it a chance..set it free, give yourself a chance to reach the inner beauty and capabilities that you may possess.

Don't always live in comparison and in doubt..that you may not have
what the other has, is not always a sad thing. It could be a blessing in disguise and what you have received is what you ought to have received.. and you should live life the way you were supposed to and not in another man's path - then you may find the real you and be content with it. So step into your path, and allow yourself to be free, take chances and wander off freely.. find your true self. For butterflies are meant to fly and soar in high spirits, so is your soul. So let your soul do the flying that's needed to find the real you...

Forgetting to Remember

2009-09-19T22:31:00.013+08:00

Selective Amnesia
We humans are pretty pathetic at remembering what we ought to remember, but we are quite good at "regurgitating" whatever we shouldn't. In other words, we forget what we must not, but we can't seem to forget what we should. What's the deal people? Maybe our memory cells are controlling us like puppets on strings? Maybe we retain more of what we shouldn't in comparison to what we should.. Think about it, we remember the hurt more than we remember the kindness. We remember the evil done to us more than we remember goodness. We remember the tears more than the laughs. We remember the cuts more than the caresses. We forget the good people on this earth but remember all the baddies

I Remember..
Why am I saying all this? I realised that people choose to forget or choose to remember, depending on what suits them the most. Selective amnesia it is. Here are some real-life examples I've come across:

Some people forget all the good times we've had over one small dispute..all cos they choose to forget those good times in the heat of the moment and choose to stay that way...
Some people choose to remember past conflicts even when others have moved on...
Some others choose to forget the hurt they caused others, but choose to retain that hurt as something done upon them..
Some people meet new people and choose to forget the old friends just cos they can..
Some others walk around as if they can't remember who they are or anyone else that has been there for them when they had no one else...
Some people really forget their old routes but choose to remember their new routes cos it's easier to do that than accepting their amnesia.

Forgetting to Forget
While I wanna forget these people, my selective amnesia seem to manipulate me to remember them somehow. However, I haven't also forgotten the good either...the good times, the good people, the memories of fun, love and laughter. That's a relief. Cos not many people remember the good times. But I choose to remember them..or at least, I'm trying really hard to. We must remember the good times and kind deeds..remember an old friend who was there for you, remember someone who helped you when you were in need, remember the old as well as the new...remember them and remember you. If we can remember the bad, we CAN choose to remember the good too.

So, what do you remember today, and in that process, what have you forgotten?

:(

2009-09-12T11:45:00.003+08:00

Stephanie, Kit Guan laughed at my cooking skills. :(

Remember the horrible incident in Secondary 3 that YOU chose to keep quiet about to save YOUR OWN ass and I got mocked at for it for like, the next 2 years?!? :(

I still can't forget the look on his face when Chloe mentioned something about salty cookies. HE TOLD HER MY SECRET. :(

I'd make an awesome cook hmph. *shut up!*

Ahh, our cooking misadventures. Fun and stupid. Bwhahahaha.

And you are not forgiven! Didn't even touch one slice! Next year I bake for you then you know. :D If I bake you HAVE to gobble it all up I don't care! I will shove it down your throat if I have to! =x

Hehehee, okay. This post was so random. Meet up soon!

Happy Birthday Darling!

2009-09-09T23:59:00.009+08:00

Happy birthday my precious little bitchy woman! :D

Happy birthday to you~
Happy birthday to you~~
Happy birthday to Poh Bing Bing,
Happy birthday to you!

Hehehee today's the day Stephanie Poh turns 18 uh. Once in a lifetime. :D

We've known each other for nearly...6 years? Gosh. Lots of fun times. I still remember how we could just look into each other's eyes and start laughing for no reason at all! And how we disgusted Mr Chew by declaring that we were lesbians LOL. (but we subsequently found many other lovers to call our own haha!)

I remember how I used to call Mdm Santhi(Kit Guan's so gonna love this) dua neh bu and how you always reprimanded me...you're not that angelic lor please! *sniggers*

I remember how everyone laughed at your "pineapple" hair in Secondary 1 or 2! I thought it was pretty cute actually. Hahaha.

Remember the time before we were due to start school in poly, when you and I hung out with Kit Guan and Wheelock just gossiping the day away? How we said we'd never find anyone similar.. And I still stand by those words. Cos you're a pretty rare find(although you're pretty dumb at times). You've been here since I was 12! We watched how the both of us ballooned and went back down, LOL.

You used to love scolding me when I disturbed you while you were busy doing math in class, remember? Haha! And remember how much we used to detest Mdm Zarinah and her oh-so-sweet-and-hypnotising voice which almost put us to sleep every single time she spoke..chemistry lessons would've been worse in Secondary 3 if you weren't sitting in front of me! And how you used to defend the band whenever anyone of us said anything bad about it. Ah, but alas, they revealed their true colours. So yes, SCREW THEM, screw them all! You were way too good for them anyways. :)

Remember how you did stupid things in front of me? I've done stupid things in front of you too!

Oh my god...and I remember how BITCHY you were. You were like the queen of all bitches. But somehow you decided to pretend to be an angel and proceeded to tell me and Guan off whenever we started bitching. Tsktsk.

How you love screaming over the phone at me... hahahaha I can imagine your face too lah!

Over these past few months, you're still the one I keep in contact with pretty often. Although you take me for granted SOMETIMES. I still love you! Who else can tolerate all my nonsense. I miss secondary school days...gosh life was so much simpler back then wasn't it? We could really have fun. We entered a crappy school, but we were lucky enough to end up in the right classes. And I'm so glad I met you! :D

And..you're always on a diet, not good. MUST EAT!

Even though you may piss and annoy the shit outta me on certain days, and there have been times when I felt like slapping you just to get you to wake up, and times when I really cannot stand it when you refuse to eat and always behave like a spoilsport when it comes to dining, I STILL LOVE YOU VERY VERY MUCH! Can't imagine how my secondary school life would've been without your nonsense in it. Can't imagine how life would be like now if you weren't here!

Updated: I would've totally forgotten all about this if you didn't remind me, HAHAHAHA. Does anyone recall a certain guy looking into my darling's eyes and saying "you're my sky" (in chinese lah, my lappie cannot type chi words..ni shi wo de tian kong bwahahhahaa). Trying to mesmerise her... Woman, I'll never forget the face you had after that for as long as I live! A mixture of shock, disbelief and a part of you that wanted to retort back but you had no idea what to say AHAHAHAHA. Kwok Chiang became your lover that day, LOL. Omg. I remember why he said that okay. You were arguing with Tong Hao about something, then KC very randomly turned around to gaze into your eyes lovingly...SO SWEET. HAHAHHAHAHAA.

But I'm first ah. :D

You're finally turning 18 today! Welcome to the club woman! I'll be seeing you in a few more hours. <3

Here's to 6 years of friendship and many more to come! Happy birthday darling! I've always got your back okay! :)

******WHY I POST AT 11.59PM HUH. HAIYO. 1 MINUTE ONLY!!******

Surreal

2009-09-08T22:14:00.001+08:00

Wake up you might be dreaming,
Wake up you might be dreaming now...

Life

2009-08-26T00:51:00.007+08:00

I hold the kaleidoscope to the light
Colours that were dull suddenly became bright.
I turn and turn again
All the colours start to blend
Each pattern shows a different view
Displaying every brilliant hue.

It starts out with just red and green
Then its added colours I have never seen.
A hint of violet, a touch of blue
A spray of pink and I am glued.
Sometimes I see silver and gold
Some are faded and some are bold

I think life is like a kaleidoscope
Never the same as we hope
Each spin alters the way we feel
Colours will change from day to day
Sometimes they may be bright
Sometimes they may be grey.

It does not matter how they are blended
What shapes are formed or how they are ended.
We try to mix them the best way we can
It may not be what we intended
Maybe there are ways it could be mended
But I feel there is always hope
while viewing life's kaleidoscope

Write And Heal

2009-08-24T20:36:00.003+08:00

This is just an extract I read from a magazine, and it's for Karina darling. :)

The next time you're filled with grief or anger, sharpen a pencil and start writing. Putting your innermost thoughts on paper releases toxic emotions, such as guilt, sadness or anger, which can slow your body's ability to heal.

Writing also helps reduce levels of the stress hormone cortisol - too much of it can weaken your body's immune system.

- Dr Joshua Smyth, author of The Writing Cure

So there you go woman! In my case it's typing.. but well! Hahaha, anyway writing really doesn't burn my brain cells lah. I enjoy it. :)

The Glorious Night...

2009-08-17T02:28:00.006+08:00

I love the night.

I love the calmness it provides.

I love how it soothes my nerves..

I love how it enables me to think things through with a clear mind.

I love knowing that people are all probably alseep, and the streets are empty..

I love how it stares right back into my soul.

I love staring into the night skies, all the while wondering who else is looking on too..

I love knowing that someone else is looking at the same night skies as I.

I love knowing that I won't be alone for long..

I love listening to the city slowly waking up.

I love waiting for a new day to begin.

Don't you just love the night?

What lies beneath

2009-08-05T00:14:00.010+08:00

Sweet Hidden Truths
We often lie. We all lie whether we'd like to admit it or not. White lies are almost unavoidable just so you don't end up hurting someone. I guess it's okay that you tell a small lie rather than cause a big emotional turmoil by telling the truth.

Honesty has always been my best policy but when I can't be honest without hurting someone, I prefer to keep quiet. And then, I'm lying. Being silent without being able to tell the truth can be equivalent to lying. Words don't always have to be used in order for it to be considered a lie. There's nothing I can do about it either. Silence is just a kinder way of lying than using hurtful words.

What Are You Doing?
Coming to words, it's hard to look at a person or listen to them talking and decide if they're being truthful or not. People behave in bizarre ways and I believe that we humans are way to complex for even ourselves to understand us. People often don't have a problem with lying but hate being lied to. It's human nature. The fact that what you think is not always what you say, and what you say is not always what you do in itself that proves we are living in all kinds of lies with a little bit of truth in between.

And what's that truth? The only truth is all the deeds that we do. People can say anything but it's the actions that define a person in their true sense. And coming back to silence, words or no words, even silence is an action. What you do and don't do, define the truth about you. The truth about us is in the deeds that we do and the deeds that we don't do. Words may be powerful, but deeds are more powerful in conveying a message about you without you being able to hide the truth. No matter what we preach, our deeds(and non-deeds) make us transparent to the world. Our truth lies in our energy, our spirit.

Your Shadow Follows You Around
Coming to deeds, it's all about karma(good/bad). Karma is like your shadow, it's always with you, it follows you around wherever you go, and it even has the shape of you. You are what your karma is and your karma is what YOU are. And in total darkness, you may not see your shadow, just like how in total illusion, you may not see your own deeds.

You can run away from bills, people and debts.. you can pretend for awhile, you can put things off for as long as you want to, or even successfully bury your past. You can lie all you want, all your life, to yourself as well as to as many people as you want, but you can't lie to your own karma. And your karma will never lie to you. Cos your karma can never be undone, just like how you can never get rid of your shadow. Your looks, titles, status, assets, riches, loved ones etc.. nothing and nobody remains with you permenantly except for your karma.

What lies beneath your face and words, that comes out as your true energy through your deeds and non-deeds? It's not what 'you' think, the answer lies in the hearts of the people who know you.

It's 1am now and I have no idea why I just posted whatever I did. Just felt like typing it all out... And now, time for bed!

After the pretty

2009-07-30T20:19:00.005+08:00

In the depth of this pain, there's a glimmer of hope..
At the top of this joy, there's a tinge of betrayal..
In the stillness of the night, there's a life beginning..
In the empty of this life, there's a fill of breaths
At the bottom of this darkness, there's a birth of light..
In the core of this laughter, there's a mile of tears
At the height of rejection, there's a span of acceptance..
In the beauty of this smile, there's a crooked deception..

I'm not sure why I wrote what I wrote above. Something deep within me wanted to express it somehow. Those thoughts just popped out and I inked them.

Maybe there's something in my subconscious mind that needs to be taken care of. I don't know. Maybe I'm running away from all the issues.. Maybe how some people have been behaving has made me stop in my tracks and ponder over it. Maybe I'm not sure where I'm heading with all this..I feel lost. Maybe I'm feeling a sense of detachment. Maybe I'm tired of people lying. What happens after all the pretty words are being said? Where do friends go after that?

It seems people have left and I'm still here, living in their afterglow...reliving the times in their shadows. I'm caught in your shadow and all I have is hollow. Was it real? Was it a joke? Was it just me?

******

Haven't been feeling too good lately.. Reading Steph's recent entry just made me feel worse. Yes woman, we've been too optimistic. I can't deal with all the shit coming my way now. I honestly hope things will get better. I don't like how I am now and I really wish I was back to how I was previously. But hell, it's not something I can achieve in a day! I need time. I need a break - I don't know how long, but I just wanna get away from this hectic life..and relax.

And for the last time, I know the word is 'Blithe' and not 'Blithee'! Blithe was already taken so I just added the extra 'e'!

And no people, am too lazy to put up the link section and tagboard. Leave me comments if you wanna tell me stuff aite! Or simply use msn. :)

And woman, I hope you feel better soon. Love you! *hugz!*

Sorry!

2009-07-15T21:55:00.005+08:00

If you guys read this(which I think you will):

I AM SO SORRY!!!!!!!!!!! I LOVE YOU ALL OK!! =(

Update!!

Quote of the day:

I really thought you were gonna get roasted alive you know!!!! - Kit Guan

HAHAHAHAHAH! I love you all! Best pressie was the fact that you guys actually came!! I am very, very touched and surprised! Love love!

Commotion

2009-07-13T12:14:00.009+08:00

Ahh, am very free right now.. So much time on my hands, and I have no idea what to do with it...

Thanks to all those who were very concerned about me! And Ant and JM for talking to me till crazy hours.. hahaha. Love youuuuuuuuuuuu! :D

The fever is back. Gosh. I hate this! I hope I fully recover by Friday...it's already bad enough that I'll have to spend my birthday talking to the walls here(although I'll be able to use the net...heh), I'm not gonna let them hold me prisoner here anymore! :(

******

A couple of weeks ago it wasn't as wonderful in my world. I was a little caught up with so many things in my world that I forgot to reflect on the pressure, motion and my person. I was just a little lost as a person..going about the motion, taking chances but failing to do the most important which does not reflect your "wonderfulness" on your person.

Anyways..now that all's been said and done, it's not really about work. Sometimes the most important would be you, yourself, and your world; it's when the question that many asked you needs to be the very question you need to ask your very self, which is as simple as: How is your own world? and What has been up with my person? These little questions comfort and sets me back in space..stops me awhile to not drown into unforeseen circumstances, surprises, unfamilar feelings or even irritation.

It sets me back me back in motion and clears up my head after much abundance in a twirl. I sigh in gladness that I have taken a moment still in motion.

I prefer to take a moment in my person than seeking others' approval before I seek out my own questions. Perhaps there may be some negative energy in this perception; but then again, seeking others' approval/opinion somehow twirls your world in such a way where you feel a certain kind of oppresion., expectation or even obligation to pat their opinions just to make them feel a little shouldered which I honestly am not a fan of. I love to dance in my world and don't like to be tumbled. I guess I am asking too much of an untwirled world. But we all know it's a mystical world of another location perhaps called fantasy. I noticed that I have failed at times in allowing my motions to be written or rid by others. It happens. A good lesson or experience. :)

Anyways, it's when you rely too much on others' direction instead of your own, that your world becomes frustrating. At the end of the day, people can offer their opinions but you, yourself and I are the ones who are gonna set the motion. So perhaps these opinionated and forceful people are good for our personalities. Yet it turn it also teaches us something - Believe in yourself first. If not possible, then take a chance with others?

There are moments when I seek a listening ear, only to receive solutions, and that somewhat brings about frustration. There are times when you just want to flow like the river, not stopped halfway to hear the other party's perception. It's like hey give me a break, and have a kit-kat while I spill my words. Don't kid yourself into thinking that you are living in a perfectly well-controlled world. 'Cause you yourself know that sometimes it really rumbles. And you needed that moment. So remember that people DO have their moments. So you should learn to listen instead of firing off an immediate solution.

We are all different. Caution though, you should know when the stopper should be placed when an individual keeps rewinding without any solution. I am sure we have all done that, sometimes unconscious yet at times conscious but just un-bothered. Interesting reflection.

Dance!

2009-06-22T19:37:00.007+08:00

I hope you never lose your sense of wonder
You get your fill to eat but always keep that hunger
May you never take one single breath for granted
God forbid love ever leaves you empty handed

I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean
Whenever one door closes I hope one more opens
Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance
When you get the choice to sit it out, or dance

I hope you dance

I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance
Never settle for the path of least resistance
Living might mean taking chances but they're worth taking
Loving might be a mistake, but it's worth making

Don't let some hellbent heart leave you bitter
When you come close to selling out, reconsider
Give the heavens above more than just a passing glance
And when you get the choice to sit it out, or dance

I hope you dance

Shine

2009-05-31T17:14:00.004+08:00

You can try to hide away
Every drop of rain
That's hanging over you

You can say it's all a waste
Lost your time and space
There's nothing left to lose

Like a broken angel on the ground
Like a symphony without a sound
Turn around

Everything you are
Everywhere you've been
The sinner and the saint that fight the battle within
Every place you go
Everybody knows
Shadows far across the sun sometimes shine
You are gonna shine

In the mirror of your soul
I know that you know
You are not forsaken

Hey butterfly, open up your weary eyes
And realise
It's a trip we're taking

And the world will turn around again
And your shattered heart is gonna mend
In the end

Everything you are
Everywhere you've been
The sinner and the saint that fight the battle within
Every place you go
Everybody knows
Shadows far across the sun sometimes shine
You are gonna shine

Let's go run to those shooting stars
Watch the crescent moon smile to your heart
Shine, you are gonna shine

Struggle

2009-05-30T19:57:00.003+08:00

Lately I've been feeling really down.. The problems are never-ending. They keep coming in, one after another.

Sometimes I feel like giving up. I feel like throwing in the towel, and telling the world 'I don't wanna do this anymore, I'm done.' but I know I can't..because that just isn't the way life works.. We all have our fair share of problems..

I'm struggling to survive, to keep sane. But I find myself worrying and thinking about what's to come. So many what-ifs in my mind right now.

I wish I could turn the clock around. I'd do things differently. Maybe then I wouldn't be this way, I wouldn't have gotten myself into this mess. I find myself getting deeper and deeper into this shit, and it scares the hell outta me. Simply because I cannot control the situation..

Things won't work out the way I want them to because I am not God..I'm just a normal girl..

Sure, life has been kind to me previously.. but I think I did something to piss life off. Things just aren't working out. It frustrates me to the point where I actually lose sleep over it.. just wondering.

People tell me that I'm just having a rough time now, and that it'll be over soon. That I'll see a rainbow at the end of all this misery.. but I think it's gone on long enough and I still don't see no rainbows. I'm just..exhausted.

I really hope things work out eventually. Who knows, I may even look back at this one day and laugh at just how silly I was.